| [00:01.550] | The One Where It All Began (Pilot) |
| [00:55.370] | There's nothing to tell. It's just some guy I work with. |
| [00:59.400] | You're going out with the guy. |
| [01:01.740] | There has to be something wrong with him. |
| [01:04.540] | All right,Joey. Be nice. |
| [01:06.780] | So does he have a hump and a hairpiece? |
| [01:11.120] | Wait,does he eat chalk? |
| [01:13.720] | I don't want her to go through what I did with Carl. |
| [01:17.190] | Okay,everybody relax. This is not even a date. |
| [01:21.460] | It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex. |
| [01:26.060] | Sounds like a date to me. |
| [01:31.000] | I'm in high school, in the cafeteria.. |
| [01:33.610] | and I realize I'm totally naked. |
| [01:37.040] | I've had that dream. |
| [01:39.240] | Then I look down and I realize there is a phone.. |
| [01:44.050] | there. |
| [01:47.850] | - Instead of - That's right! |
| [01:50.060] | Never had that one. |
| [01:51.560] | All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. |
| [01:56.360] | What do I do? Everyone starts looking at me. |
| [01:59.560] | They weren't looking at you before? |
| [02:03.100] | Finally,I figure I'd better answer it. |
| [02:07.070] | And it turns out it's my mother. |
| [02:11.080] | Which is very,very weird because she never calls me. |
| [02:20.250] | Hi. |
| [02:24.790] | He says,"Hello," I want to kill myself. |
| [02:28.530] | You okay? |
| [02:30.500] | I feel like someone pulled my intestine out of my mouth.. |
| [02:35.370] | - and tied it around my neck. - Cookie? - |
| [02:40.310] | Carol moved her stuff out today. |
| [02:43.070] | - Let me get you some coffee. - Thanks. |
| [02:49.710] | No,don't! Stop cleansing my aura. |
| [02:55.020] | - Just leave my aura alone,okay? - Fine,be murky. |
| [03:00.060] | - I'll be fine. I hope she'll be happy. - No,you don't. |
| [03:03.830] | No,I don't. To hell with her. She left me! |
| [03:07.430] | You never knew she was a lesbian? |
| [03:13.540] | No! Okay? |
| [03:15.810] | Why does everyone keep fixating on that? |
| [03:20.310] | She didn't know. How should I know? |
| [03:24.880] | Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. |
| [03:29.420] | Did I say that out loud? |
| [03:33.860] | I told Mom and Dad last night. They took it pretty well. |
| [03:37.900] | Oh,really? |
| [03:39.100] | So that hysterical phone call from a woman sobbing.. |
| [03:42.930] | "I'll never have grandchildren," was what? A wrong number? “ |
| [03:47.810] | Sorry. |
| [03:49.010] | Look,you're feeling a lot of pain right now. |
| [03:53.010] | You're angry. You're hurting. |
| [03:55.850] | Can I tell you what the answer is? |
| [03:58.250] | Strip joints! |
| [04:01.690] | Hey,you're single. Have some hormones. |
| [04:05.260] | But I don't want to be single,okay? |
| [04:07.690] | I just want to be married again. |
| [04:15.400] | And I just want a million dollars! |
| [04:22.670] | - Rachel? - Oh,Monica! Thank God! |
| [04:26.780] | I went to your building.. |
| [04:28.780] | and a guy with a hammer said you'd be here,and you are. |
| [04:32.720] | - Can I get you some coffee? - Decaf. - |
| [04:37.290] | Everybody,this is Rachel, a Lincoln High survivor. |
| [04:40.890] | This is everybody. Chandler and Phoebe.. |
| [04:43.660] | Joey. Remember my brother,Ross? |
| [04:46.060] | Sure! - |
| [04:57.180] | You want to tell us now,or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? |
| [05:03.050] | Well,it started about a half-hour before the wedding. |
| [05:08.050] | I was in the room with all the presents.. |
| [05:10.920] | and I was looking at this really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat. |
| [05:16.830] | When all of a sudden |
| [05:18.660] | Sweet 'N Low? |
| [05:22.230] | I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than Barry. |
| [05:26.340] | I got freaked out, and it hit me: |
| [05:29.410] | How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Barry |
| [05:32.880] | I always knew he looked familiar,but.. |
| [05:38.680] | I had to get out of there, and I started wondering.. |
| [05:42.290] | "Why am I doing this," and "Who am I doing it for?" “ |
| [05:46.160] | I didn't know where to go, and I know we've drifted apart.. |
| [05:50.730] | but you're the only person I know here. |
| [05:53.730] | - Who wasn't invited to the wedding. - I hoped that wouldn't be an issue. - |
| [06:15.590] | I guess he bought her the pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it. |
| [06:21.130] | "Tuna or egg salad! Decide!" |
| [06:25.260] | "I'll have whatever Christina's having." “ |
| [06:30.170] | Daddy,I just I can't marry him. |
| [06:39.080] | Well,it matters to me! |
| [06:44.720] | "If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off." “ |
| [06:51.260] | She should not be wearing those pants. |
| [06:57.130] | Push her! Push her down the stairs! |
| [07:04.270] | Come on,Daddy,listen! |
| [07:07.510] | All my life,everyone's always told me,"You're a shoe!" |
| [07:11.940] | "You're a shoe!" “ |
| [07:14.550] | What if I don't want to be a shoe? |
| [07:17.820] | What if I want to be a purse? |
| [07:21.050] | Or a hat? |
| [07:24.020] | No,I don't want you to buy me a hat! |
| [07:26.660] | It's a metaphor,Daddy! |
| [07:30.560] | You can see where he'd have trouble. |
| [07:35.870] | Look,Daddy, it's my life. |
| [07:39.000] | Well,maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. |
| [07:44.710] | I guess we've established she's staying with Monica. |
| [07:48.580] | Well,maybe that's my decision. |
| [07:52.050] | Maybe I don't need your money. |
| [07:54.820] | Wait! I said maybe! |
| [08:04.860] | Just breathe. That's it. |
| [08:07.900] | Try to think of nice,calm things. |
| [08:10.700] | Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens |
| [08:14.640] | Doorbells and sleigh bells And something with mittens |
| [08:19.640] | La la la something And noodles with string |
| [08:23.880] | I'm all better now. |
| [08:27.490] | I helped. |
| [08:31.260] | This is probably for the best. |
| [08:34.430] | Independence. Controlling your life. The whole hat thing. |
| [08:39.260] | You can always come to Joey. |
| [08:43.600] | Me and Chandler live across the hall. He's away a lot. |
| [08:49.010] | Stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day. |
| [08:52.040] | Like there's a rule,or something? |
| [08:57.320] | I got it. |
| [08:59.880] | Please don't do that again. It's a horrible sound. |
| [09:03.690] | It's Paul. |
| [09:05.420] | Oh,God,is it 6:30? Buzz him in. |
| [09:09.060] | - Who's Paul? - Paul,the wine guy? - |
| [09:11.730] | Maybe. |
| [09:12.900] | Your "not a real date" is with Paul,the wine guy? |
| [09:16.400] | - He finally asked you out? - Yes! - |
| [09:19.100] | It's a "Dear Diary" moment. |
| [09:21.770] | - Rach,I can cancel. - Please,go,I'll be fine. - |
| [09:26.610] | Ross,are you okay? Do you want me to stay? Ross, |
| [09:30.210] | That'd be good. |
| [09:34.150] | - Really?- Go on! It's Paul,the wine guy! - |
| [09:38.720] | Does he sell it,drink it? |
| [09:41.160] | Or he just complains a lot? |
| [09:44.130] | Hi,come in! Paul,this is.. |
| [09:47.670] | everybody. Everybody,this is Paul. |
| [09:51.870] | - The wine guy. - I didn't catch your name. Paul? |
| [09:57.440] | I'll be right back. I've just gotta go |
| [10:00.780] | A-wandering? |
| [10:03.350] | Change. |
| [10:04.880] | Sit down. Two seconds. |
| [10:11.220] | I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good. |
| [10:19.300] | Hey,Paul,here's a tip. |
| [10:21.870] | She really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot.. |
| [10:26.670] | until it starts to get red. |
| [10:29.710] | Shut up,Joey! |
| [10:33.540] | What are you up to tonight? |
| [10:36.450] | I was supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon.. |
| [10:40.450] | so,nothing. |
| [10:44.160] | Right. You're not even getting your honeymoon. |
| [10:47.390] | Although,Aruba. This time of year? |
| [10:50.600] | Talk about your.. |
| [10:53.230] | big lizards. |
| [10:59.170] | If you don't want to be alone tonight.. |
| [11:02.070] | Joey and Chandler are helping me with my furniture. |
| [11:05.840] | We're very excited about it. |
| [11:08.480] | Thanks. But I'm just going to hang out here. |
| [11:11.880] | - It's been a long day. - Oh,sure. - |
| [11:14.290] | Phoebe,wanna help? |
| [11:27.670] | Love is sweet as summer showers Love is a wondrous work of art |
| [11:34.010] | But your love Oh,your love,your love |
| [11:39.810] | Is like a giant pigeon |
| [11:44.420] | Crapping on my heart |
| [11:50.550] | Thank you. La-la-la-la-la- |
| [12:01.130] | I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y thing to the side things.. |
| [12:05.470] | using a bunch of these little worm guys. |
| [12:09.710] | I have no bracket-y thing. I see no worm guys whatsoever.. |
| [12:14.480] | and I cannot feel my legs. |
| [12:20.790] | - We got a bookcase. - It's beautiful. - |
| [12:25.020] | What's this? |
| [12:26.560] | I would have to say that is an L-shaped bracket. |
| [12:32.000] | - Which goes where? - I have no idea. - |
| [12:38.040] | - Done with the bookcase. - All finished. - |
| [12:44.510] | This was Carol's favorite beer. |
| [12:48.580] | She always drank it out of the can. I should have known. |
| [12:55.920] | - Start with that,we're out of here. - Please don't spoil all this fun. - |
| [13:01.330] | Let me ask you. Ross, |
| [13:02.930] | She got the furniture, the stereo,the good TV. |
| [13:07.470] | What did you get? |
| [13:09.500] | - You guys. - You got screwed. - |
| [13:12.770] | - Oh,my God. - I know. I'm such an idiot. - |
| [13:17.580] | I should've known when she went to the dentist five times a week. |
| [13:22.350] | I mean,how clean can teeth get? |
| [13:24.880] | My brother's going through that. |
| [13:27.420] | How did you get over it? |
| [13:29.220] | He might accidentally break something valuable of hers. |
| [13:32.860] | - Say her - Leg? |
| [13:34.690] | That's one way of doing it. I went for the watch. |
| [13:39.230] | You actually broke her watch? |
| [13:46.400] | - Steer clear of you. - That's right. |
| [13:50.570] | Barry,I'm sorry. I am so sorry. Barry, |
| [13:53.810] | You probably think it's about making love with your socks on,but it isn't. |
| [13:59.380] | It's about me. And I just |
| [14:08.730] | The machine cut me off again. Anyway.. |
| [14:16.630] | I know that some lucky girl is going to become Mrs. Barry Finkel. |
| [14:21.810] | But it isn't me. It's not me. |
| [14:25.740] | Not that I have any idea who "me" is right now,but you just |
| [14:32.650] | I'm divorced. |
| [14:34.420] | - I'm only 26,and I'm divorced! - Shut up! |
| [14:45.200] | That only took me an hour. |
| [14:48.570] | We haven't had a relationship that's lasted longer than a Mento. Ross, |
| [14:56.540] | You have had the love of a woman for four years. |
| [15:00.110] | Four years of closeness and sharing, after which she ripped your heart out. |
| [15:05.620] | That is why we don't do it! |
| [15:09.520] | I don't think that was my point! |
| [15:13.160] | Know what's scary? What if there's only one woman for everybody? |
| [15:17.490] | I mean,what if you get one woman,and that's it? |
| [15:20.830] | Unfortunately,in my case, there was only one woman for her. |
| [15:27.740] | What are you talking about? One woman. |
| [15:31.710] | That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream. |
| [15:35.410] | Let me tell you something. There's lots of flavors out there. |
| [15:39.750] | Rocky road and cookie dough and bing cherry vanilla. |
| [15:44.690] | You can get them with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream. |
| [15:49.460] | It's the best thing to happen to you! |
| [15:52.230] | You got married. You were like,what,8? |
| [16:01.210] | - I don't know if I'm hungry or horny. - Then stay out of my freezer. - |
| [16:09.650] | Ever since she walked out on me.. |
| [16:13.250] | What? |
| [16:15.390] | You wanna spell it out with noodles? |
| [16:18.020] | It's more of a fifth date kind of revelation. |
| [16:27.630] | Isn't there? |
| [16:29.470] | Yeah,yeah. I think there is. |
| [16:33.370] | What were you going to say? - |
| [16:40.180] | Ever since she left me.. |
| [16:43.510] | I haven't been able to perform.. |
| [16:47.020] | sexually. |
| [16:51.120] | Oh,God! I'm so sorry. |
| [16:54.220] | Being spit on is probably not what you need right now. |
| [17:00.200] | How long? |
| [17:01.870] | - Two years. - Wow. |
| [17:05.170] | I'm glad you smashed her watch. |
| [17:09.940] | So you still think you might want that fifth date? |
| [17:16.450] | Yeah. Yeah,I do. |
| [17:21.220] | We are gathered here to join Joanie Louise Cunningham.. |
| [17:26.260] | and Charles. Chachi,Chachi,Chachi.. |
| [17:32.330] | in the bonds of holy matrimony. |
| [17:36.670] | See! |
| [17:37.940] | But Joanie loved Chachi. That's the difference. |
| [17:44.810] | "Grab a spoon." |
| [17:46.840] | Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? |
| [17:50.510] | Do the words,"Billy,don't be a hero," mean anything to you? |
| [17:58.490] | Great story. But I gotta go. |
| [18:01.790] | I got a date with Andrea. Angela. No,Andrea. |
| [18:06.830] | Andrea's the screamer. Angela has cats. |
| [18:10.400] | Right,thanks. It's Julie. I'm out of here. |
| [18:16.640] | Here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough.. |
| [18:21.180] | to ask a woman out.. |
| [18:49.940] | Isn't this amazing? I've never made coffee in my life. |
| [18:53.940] | - That is amazing. - Congratulations. |
| [18:56.650] | If I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do. |
| [19:06.290] | If you feel like you have to make a Western omelet or something.. |
| [19:13.900] | Although,actually I'm really not that hungry. |
| [19:18.570] | Oh,good. Lenny and Squiggy are here. |
| [19:22.510] | - Good morning. - Good morning. |
| [19:26.540] | - Morning. - Morning,Paul. |
| [19:28.780] | - Hello,Paul. - Hi. Paul,is it? |
| [19:38.660] | - Thank you so much. - Stop. |
| [19:41.790] | Last night was like all my birthdays,both graduations.. |
| [19:46.530] | plus the barn-raising scene in Witness. |
| [20:01.680] | Thank you. |
| [20:10.450] | That wasn't a real date. |
| [20:18.230] | Shut up and put my table back. |
| [20:21.900] | I've got to get to work. |
| [20:32.540] | So,like,you guys all have jobs? |
| [20:36.380] | Yeah,we all have jobs. That's how we buy stuff. |
| [20:43.090] | - Yeah,I'm an actor. - Have I seen you in anything? |
| [20:47.390] | I doubt it. Mostly regional work. |
| [20:53.630] | at the little theater in the park? |
| [20:56.830] | It was a job! |
| [20:58.540] | "Look,Geppetto. I'm a real live boy." |
| [21:03.940] | - I will not take this abuse. - You're right,I'm sorry. - |
| [21:13.080] | You should both know that he's a dead man. |
| [21:17.450] | Oh,Chandler! |
| [21:21.860] | How are you doing today? Sleep okay? |
| [21:24.360] | Did you talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling. |
| [21:28.470] | I see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. |
| [21:37.670] | I know. He's just so... |
| [21:41.310] | - Remember you and Tony Demarco? - Oh,yeah. - |
| [21:44.250] | Well,it's like that. With feelings. |
| [21:48.850] | - Wow,are you in trouble! - Big time! - |
| [21:52.320] | Want a wedding dress? Hardly used. |
| [21:55.790] | I think we're getting a little ahead of ourselves. |
| [21:59.560] | I'm going to get up,go to work, and not think about him all day. |
| [22:05.140] | Or else I'm going to get up and go to work. |
| [22:08.240] | - Wish me luck! - What for? - |
| [22:10.070] | I'm gonna go get one of those job things. |
| [22:24.660] | - Hi,Monica. - Franny,welcome back. |
| [22:27.320] | - How was Florida? - You had sex,didn't you? |
| [22:32.530] | - How do you do that? - I hate you. |
| [22:34.930] | I'm pushing my aunt through Parrot Jungle,you're having sex. |
| [22:39.140] | So,who? |
| [22:42.670] | You know Paul? |
| [22:44.440] | Paul,the wine guy? Yeah,I know Paul. |
| [22:50.350] | You mean,you know Paul like I know Paul? |
| [22:53.050] | What? I take credit for Paul. |
| [22:55.350] | Before me,there was no snap in his turtle for two years. |
| [23:02.930] | Of course it was a line. |
| [23:05.830] | Why would anybody do something like that? |
| [23:08.730] | I assume we want an answer more sophisticated than: |
| [23:12.170] | "To get you into bed." “ |
| [23:15.310] | I hate men. |
| [23:17.810] | Don't hate. You don't want to put that out into the universe. |
| [23:22.250] | Is it me? |
| [23:23.850] | Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs.. |
| [23:27.650] | and men with emotional problems can hear? |
| [23:30.520] | Come here. Give me your feet. |
| [23:40.060] | I just thought he was nice,you know? |
| [23:46.300] | I can't believe you didn't know it was a line. |
| [23:53.780] | - Guess what? - You got a job? |
| [23:55.810] | Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing. |
| [24:00.380] | - I was laughed out of 12 interviews. - You're surprisingly upbeat. - |
| [24:04.520] | You'd be too, if you found these boots on sale.. |
| [24:08.000] | 50% off. 5 |
| [24:10.160] | How well you know me. |
| [24:14.360] | They're my "I don't need a job.. |
| [24:17.100] | I've got great boots" boots. |
| [24:20.570] | - How did you pay? - Credit card. - |
| [24:23.310] | And who pays for that? |
| [24:26.240] | My father. |
| [24:31.750] | Is this really necessary? I can stop charging any time. |
| [24:35.490] | You can't live off your parents. |
| [24:37.920] | I know that. That's why I was getting married. |
| [24:42.330] | Give her a break. It's hard being on your own. |
| [24:45.700] | Thank you. |
| [24:46.860] | I remember when I first came to this city,I was 14. |
| [24:50.600] | Mom had killed herself, stepdad was in jail. |
| [24:53.670] | I didn't know anybody here. |
| [24:55.910] | I ended up living with this albino guy who was cleaning windshields. |
| [25:00.710] | And then he killed himself. |
| [25:02.710] | Then I found aromatherapy. So I know exactly how you feel. |
| [25:10.690] | The word you're looking for is: |
| [25:20.400] | - You ready? - No,how can I be ready? - |
| [25:24.330] | "Ready to jump out of the plane with no parachute?" “ |
| [25:27.400] | - I can't do this. - I know you can. |
| [25:29.840] | - No. - You made coffee,you can do anything. - |
| [25:35.510] | Cut. Cut. Cut. |
| [25:43.550] | You know what? I think we can leave it at that. |
| [25:47.320] | - Kind of a symbolic gesture. - Rachel,that was a library card. - |
| [25:58.070] | If you listen closely,you can hear a thousand retailers scream. |
| [26:06.140] | Welcome to the real world! |
| [26:08.010] | It sucks. You're gonna love it. |
| [26:19.160] | That's it. Are you going to crash on the couch? |
| [26:22.390] | - No,I gotta go home sometime. - Are you gonna be okay? |
| [26:28.370] | Look what I just found on the floor. |
| [26:32.600] | What? 什么? |
| [26:34.340] | That's Paul's watch. Just put it back where you found it. |
| [26:39.740] | Oh,boy! All right. |
| [26:42.350] | - Good night,everybody. - Good night. |
| [26:55.730] | - I'm sorry. Have it,I don't want it. - Split it? - |
| [27:04.870] | You probably didn't know this, but in high school.. |
| [27:08.710] | I had a major crush on you. |
| [27:12.510] | I knew. |
| [27:14.040] | You did? |
| [27:17.380] | I figured you thought I was Monica's geeky brother. |
| [27:21.120] | I did. |
| [27:27.820] | Listen,do you think..? |
| [27:29.630] | Try not to let my vulnerability become a factor here. |
| [27:35.270] | Do you think it would be okay if I asked you out sometime? |
| [27:40.300] | Yeah. |
| [27:42.670] | Maybe. |
| [27:44.910] | Okay. |
| [27:51.620] | Okay,maybe I will. |
| [27:57.890] | - Good night. - Good night. |
| [28:14.370] | See you. |
| [28:17.910] | Wait,wait. What's with you? |
| [28:23.010] | I just grabbed a spoon. |
| [28:33.420] | - I can't believe what I'm hearing. - Can't believe what I'm hearing - |
| [28:37.760] | - What? I said - What? I said - |
| [28:41.000] | - Would you stop? - Was I doing it again? - |
| [28:43.700] | Yes! - |
| [28:46.300] | I said you had a nice butt. It's just not a great butt. |
| [28:50.910] | - You won't know a butt if it bit you. - There's an image. - |
| [28:57.610] | Would anybody like more coffee? |
| [29:01.850] | You made it, or you're serving it? |
| [29:04.290] | - I'm just serving it. - I'll have a cup of coffee. - |
| [29:08.090] | Kids,new dream. |
| [29:09.730] | I'm in Las Vegas. |
| [29:11.160] | Miss,more coffee? |
| [29:14.200] | Could you give this to that guy over there? |
| [29:18.500] | Go ahead. Thank you. |
| [29:21.470] | Sorry. Okay,Las Vegas. |
| [29:24.410] | I'm in Las Vegas. |
| [29:27.410] | I'm Liza Minnelli.. … |
| [00:01.550] | The One Where It All Began Pilot |
| [00:55.370] | There' s nothing to tell. It' s just some guy I work with. |
| [00:59.400] | You' re going out with the guy. |
| [01:01.740] | There has to be something wrong with him. |
| [01:04.540] | All right, Joey. Be nice. |
| [01:06.780] | So does he have a hump and a hairpiece? |
| [01:11.120] | Wait, does he eat chalk? |
| [01:13.720] | I don' t want her to go through what I did with Carl. |
| [01:17.190] | Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. |
| [01:21.460] | It' s just two people going out to dinner and not having sex. |
| [01:26.060] | Sounds like a date to me. |
| [01:31.000] | I' m in high school, in the cafeteria.. |
| [01:33.610] | and I realize I' m totally naked. |
| [01:37.040] | I' ve had that dream. |
| [01:39.240] | Then I look down and I realize there is a phone.. |
| [01:44.050] | there. |
| [01:47.850] | Instead of That' s right! |
| [01:50.060] | Never had that one. |
| [01:51.560] | All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. |
| [01:56.360] | What do I do? Everyone starts looking at me. |
| [01:59.560] | They weren' t looking at you before? |
| [02:03.100] | Finally, I figure I' d better answer it. |
| [02:07.070] | And it turns out it' s my mother. |
| [02:11.080] | Which is very, very weird because she never calls me. |
| [02:20.250] | Hi. |
| [02:24.790] | He says," Hello," I want to kill myself. |
| [02:28.530] | You okay? |
| [02:30.500] | I feel like someone pulled my intestine out of my mouth.. |
| [02:35.370] | and tied it around my neck. Cookie? |
| [02:40.310] | Carol moved her stuff out today. |
| [02:43.070] | Let me get you some coffee. Thanks. |
| [02:49.710] | No, don' t! Stop cleansing my aura. |
| [02:55.020] | Just leave my aura alone, okay? Fine, be murky. |
| [03:00.060] | I' ll be fine. I hope she' ll be happy. No, you don' t. |
| [03:03.830] | No, I don' t. To hell with her. She left me! |
| [03:07.430] | You never knew she was a lesbian? |
| [03:13.540] | No! Okay? |
| [03:15.810] | Why does everyone keep fixating on that? |
| [03:20.310] | She didn' t know. How should I know? |
| [03:24.880] | Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. |
| [03:29.420] | Did I say that out loud? |
| [03:33.860] | I told Mom and Dad last night. They took it pretty well. |
| [03:37.900] | Oh, really? |
| [03:39.100] | So that hysterical phone call from a woman sobbing.. |
| [03:42.930] | " I' ll never have grandchildren," was what? A wrong number? " |
| [03:47.810] | Sorry. |
| [03:49.010] | Look, you' re feeling a lot of pain right now. |
| [03:53.010] | You' re angry. You' re hurting. |
| [03:55.850] | Can I tell you what the answer is? |
| [03:58.250] | Strip joints! |
| [04:01.690] | Hey, you' re single. Have some hormones. |
| [04:05.260] | But I don' t want to be single, okay? |
| [04:07.690] | I just want to be married again. |
| [04:15.400] | And I just want a million dollars! |
| [04:22.670] | Rachel? Oh, Monica! Thank God! |
| [04:26.780] | I went to your building.. |
| [04:28.780] | and a guy with a hammer said you' d be here, and you are. |
| [04:32.720] | Can I get you some coffee? Decaf. |
| [04:37.290] | Everybody, this is Rachel, a Lincoln High survivor. |
| [04:40.890] | This is everybody. Chandler and Phoebe.. |
| [04:43.660] | Joey. Remember my brother, Ross? |
| [04:46.060] | Sure! |
| [04:57.180] | You want to tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? |
| [05:03.050] | Well, it started about a halfhour before the wedding. |
| [05:08.050] | I was in the room with all the presents.. |
| [05:10.920] | and I was looking at this really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat. |
| [05:16.830] | When all of a sudden |
| [05:18.660] | Sweet ' N Low? |
| [05:22.230] | I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than Barry. |
| [05:26.340] | I got freaked out, and it hit me: |
| [05:29.410] | How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Barry |
| [05:32.880] | I always knew he looked familiar, but.. |
| [05:38.680] | I had to get out of there, and I started wondering.. |
| [05:42.290] | " Why am I doing this," and " Who am I doing it for?" " |
| [05:46.160] | I didn' t know where to go, and I know we' ve drifted apart.. |
| [05:50.730] | but you' re the only person I know here. |
| [05:53.730] | Who wasn' t invited to the wedding. I hoped that wouldn' t be an issue. |
| [06:15.590] | I guess he bought her the pipe organ, and she' s really not happy about it. |
| [06:21.130] | " Tuna or egg salad! Decide!" |
| [06:25.260] | " I' ll have whatever Christina' s having." " |
| [06:30.170] | Daddy, I just I can' t marry him. |
| [06:39.080] | Well, it matters to me! |
| [06:44.720] | " If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off." " |
| [06:51.260] | She should not be wearing those pants. |
| [06:57.130] | Push her! Push her down the stairs! |
| [07:04.270] | Come on, Daddy, listen! |
| [07:07.510] | All my life, everyone' s always told me," You' re a shoe!" |
| [07:11.940] | " You' re a shoe!" " |
| [07:14.550] | What if I don' t want to be a shoe? |
| [07:17.820] | What if I want to be a purse? |
| [07:21.050] | Or a hat? |
| [07:24.020] | No, I don' t want you to buy me a hat! |
| [07:26.660] | It' s a metaphor, Daddy! |
| [07:30.560] | You can see where he' d have trouble. |
| [07:35.870] | Look, Daddy, it' s my life. |
| [07:39.000] | Well, maybe I' ll just stay here with Monica. |
| [07:44.710] | I guess we' ve established she' s staying with Monica. |
| [07:48.580] | Well, maybe that' s my decision. |
| [07:52.050] | Maybe I don' t need your money. |
| [07:54.820] | Wait! I said maybe! |
| [08:04.860] | Just breathe. That' s it. |
| [08:07.900] | Try to think of nice, calm things. |
| [08:10.700] | Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens |
| [08:14.640] | Doorbells and sleigh bells And something with mittens |
| [08:19.640] | La la la something And noodles with string |
| [08:23.880] | I' m all better now. |
| [08:27.490] | I helped. |
| [08:31.260] | This is probably for the best. |
| [08:34.430] | Independence. Controlling your life. The whole hat thing. |
| [08:39.260] | You can always come to Joey. |
| [08:43.600] | Me and Chandler live across the hall. He' s away a lot. |
| [08:49.010] | Stop hitting on her! It' s her wedding day. |
| [08:52.040] | Like there' s a rule, or something? |
| [08:57.320] | I got it. |
| [08:59.880] | Please don' t do that again. It' s a horrible sound. |
| [09:03.690] | It' s Paul. |
| [09:05.420] | Oh, God, is it 6: 30? Buzz him in. |
| [09:09.060] | Who' s Paul? Paul, the wine guy? |
| [09:11.730] | Maybe. |
| [09:12.900] | Your " not a real date" is with Paul, the wine guy? |
| [09:16.400] | He finally asked you out? Yes! |
| [09:19.100] | It' s a " Dear Diary" moment. |
| [09:21.770] | Rach, I can cancel. Please, go, I' ll be fine. |
| [09:26.610] | Ross, are you okay? Do you want me to stay? Ross, |
| [09:30.210] | That' d be good. |
| [09:34.150] | Really? Go on! It' s Paul, the wine guy! |
| [09:38.720] | Does he sell it, drink it? |
| [09:41.160] | Or he just complains a lot? |
| [09:44.130] | Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. |
| [09:47.670] | everybody. Everybody, this is Paul. |
| [09:51.870] | The wine guy. I didn' t catch your name. Paul? |
| [09:57.440] | I' ll be right back. I' ve just gotta go |
| [10:00.780] | Awandering? |
| [10:03.350] | Change. |
| [10:04.880] | Sit down. Two seconds. |
| [10:11.220] | I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can' t be good. |
| [10:19.300] | Hey, Paul, here' s a tip. |
| [10:21.870] | She really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot.. |
| [10:26.670] | until it starts to get red. |
| [10:29.710] | Shut up, Joey! |
| [10:33.540] | What are you up to tonight? |
| [10:36.450] | I was supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon.. |
| [10:40.450] | so, nothing. |
| [10:44.160] | Right. You' re not even getting your honeymoon. |
| [10:47.390] | Although, Aruba. This time of year? |
| [10:50.600] | Talk about your.. |
| [10:53.230] | big lizards. |
| [10:59.170] | If you don' t want to be alone tonight.. |
| [11:02.070] | Joey and Chandler are helping me with my furniture. |
| [11:05.840] | We' re very excited about it. |
| [11:08.480] | Thanks. But I' m just going to hang out here. |
| [11:11.880] | It' s been a long day. Oh, sure. |
| [11:14.290] | Phoebe, wanna help? |
| [11:27.670] | Love is sweet as summer showers Love is a wondrous work of art |
| [11:34.010] | But your love Oh, your love, your love |
| [11:39.810] | Is like a giant pigeon |
| [11:44.420] | Crapping on my heart |
| [11:50.550] | Thank you. Lalalalala |
| [12:01.130] | I' m supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things.. |
| [12:05.470] | using a bunch of these little worm guys. |
| [12:09.710] | I have no brackety thing. I see no worm guys whatsoever.. |
| [12:14.480] | and I cannot feel my legs. |
| [12:20.790] | We got a bookcase. It' s beautiful. |
| [12:25.020] | What' s this? |
| [12:26.560] | I would have to say that is an Lshaped bracket. |
| [12:32.000] | Which goes where? I have no idea. |
| [12:38.040] | Done with the bookcase. All finished. |
| [12:44.510] | This was Carol' s favorite beer. |
| [12:48.580] | She always drank it out of the can. I should have known. |
| [12:55.920] | Start with that, we' re out of here. Please don' t spoil all this fun. |
| [13:01.330] | Let me ask you. Ross, |
| [13:02.930] | She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV. |
| [13:07.470] | What did you get? |
| [13:09.500] | You guys. You got screwed. |
| [13:12.770] | Oh, my God. I know. I' m such an idiot. |
| [13:17.580] | I should' ve known when she went to the dentist five times a week. |
| [13:22.350] | I mean, how clean can teeth get? |
| [13:24.880] | My brother' s going through that. |
| [13:27.420] | How did you get over it? |
| [13:29.220] | He might accidentally break something valuable of hers. |
| [13:32.860] | Say her Leg? |
| [13:34.690] | That' s one way of doing it. I went for the watch. |
| [13:39.230] | You actually broke her watch? |
| [13:46.400] | Steer clear of you. That' s right. |
| [13:50.570] | Barry, I' m sorry. I am so sorry. Barry, |
| [13:53.810] | You probably think it' s about making love with your socks on, but it isn' t. |
| [13:59.380] | It' s about me. And I just |
| [14:08.730] | The machine cut me off again. Anyway.. |
| [14:16.630] | I know that some lucky girl is going to become Mrs. Barry Finkel. |
| [14:21.810] | But it isn' t me. It' s not me. |
| [14:25.740] | Not that I have any idea who " me" is right now, but you just |
| [14:32.650] | I' m divorced. |
| [14:34.420] | I' m only 26, and I' m divorced! Shut up! |
| [14:45.200] | That only took me an hour. |
| [14:48.570] | We haven' t had a relationship that' s lasted longer than a Mento. Ross, |
| [14:56.540] | You have had the love of a woman for four years. |
| [15:00.110] | Four years of closeness and sharing, after which she ripped your heart out. |
| [15:05.620] | That is why we don' t do it! |
| [15:09.520] | I don' t think that was my point! |
| [15:13.160] | Know what' s scary? What if there' s only one woman for everybody? |
| [15:17.490] | I mean, what if you get one woman, and that' s it? |
| [15:20.830] | Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her. |
| [15:27.740] | What are you talking about? One woman. |
| [15:31.710] | That' s like saying there' s only one flavor of ice cream. |
| [15:35.410] | Let me tell you something. There' s lots of flavors out there. |
| [15:39.750] | Rocky road and cookie dough and bing cherry vanilla. |
| [15:44.690] | You can get them with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream. |
| [15:49.460] | It' s the best thing to happen to you! |
| [15:52.230] | You got married. You were like, what, 8? |
| [16:01.210] | I don' t know if I' m hungry or horny. Then stay out of my freezer. |
| [16:09.650] | Ever since she walked out on me.. |
| [16:13.250] | What? |
| [16:15.390] | You wanna spell it out with noodles? |
| [16:18.020] | It' s more of a fifth date kind of revelation. |
| [16:27.630] | Isn' t there? |
| [16:29.470] | Yeah, yeah. I think there is. |
| [16:33.370] | What were you going to say? |
| [16:40.180] | Ever since she left me.. |
| [16:43.510] | I haven' t been able to perform.. |
| [16:47.020] | sexually. |
| [16:51.120] | Oh, God! I' m so sorry. |
| [16:54.220] | Being spit on is probably not what you need right now. |
| [17:00.200] | How long? |
| [17:01.870] | Two years. Wow. |
| [17:05.170] | I' m glad you smashed her watch. |
| [17:09.940] | So you still think you might want that fifth date? |
| [17:16.450] | Yeah. Yeah, I do. |
| [17:21.220] | We are gathered here to join Joanie Louise Cunningham.. |
| [17:26.260] | and Charles. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi.. |
| [17:32.330] | in the bonds of holy matrimony. |
| [17:36.670] | See! |
| [17:37.940] | But Joanie loved Chachi. That' s the difference. |
| [17:44.810] | " Grab a spoon." |
| [17:46.840] | Do you know how long it' s been since I grabbed a spoon? |
| [17:50.510] | Do the words," Billy, don' t be a hero," mean anything to you? |
| [17:58.490] | Great story. But I gotta go. |
| [18:01.790] | I got a date with Andrea. Angela. No, Andrea. |
| [18:06.830] | Andrea' s the screamer. Angela has cats. |
| [18:10.400] | Right, thanks. It' s Julie. I' m out of here. |
| [18:16.640] | Here' s the thing. Even if I could get it together enough.. |
| [18:21.180] | to ask a woman out.. |
| [18:49.940] | Isn' t this amazing? I' ve never made coffee in my life. |
| [18:53.940] | That is amazing. Congratulations. |
| [18:56.650] | If I can make coffee, there isn' t anything I can' t do. |
| [19:06.290] | If you feel like you have to make a Western omelet or something.. |
| [19:13.900] | Although, actually I' m really not that hungry. |
| [19:18.570] | Oh, good. Lenny and Squiggy are here. |
| [19:22.510] | Good morning. Good morning. |
| [19:26.540] | Morning. Morning, Paul. |
| [19:28.780] | Hello, Paul. Hi. Paul, is it? |
| [19:38.660] | Thank you so much. Stop. |
| [19:41.790] | Last night was like all my birthdays, both graduations.. |
| [19:46.530] | plus the barnraising scene in Witness. |
| [20:01.680] | Thank you. |
| [20:10.450] | That wasn' t a real date. |
| [20:18.230] | Shut up and put my table back. |
| [20:21.900] | I' ve got to get to work. |
| [20:32.540] | So, like, you guys all have jobs? |
| [20:36.380] | Yeah, we all have jobs. That' s how we buy stuff. |
| [20:43.090] | Yeah, I' m an actor. Have I seen you in anything? |
| [20:47.390] | I doubt it. Mostly regional work. |
| [20:53.630] | at the little theater in the park? |
| [20:56.830] | It was a job! |
| [20:58.540] | " Look, Geppetto. I' m a real live boy." |
| [21:03.940] | I will not take this abuse. You' re right, I' m sorry. |
| [21:13.080] | You should both know that he' s a dead man. |
| [21:17.450] | Oh, Chandler! |
| [21:21.860] | How are you doing today? Sleep okay? |
| [21:24.360] | Did you talk to Barry? I can' t stop smiling. |
| [21:28.470] | I see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. |
| [21:37.670] | I know. He' s just so... |
| [21:41.310] | Remember you and Tony Demarco? Oh, yeah. |
| [21:44.250] | Well, it' s like that. With feelings. |
| [21:48.850] | Wow, are you in trouble! Big time! |
| [21:52.320] | Want a wedding dress? Hardly used. |
| [21:55.790] | I think we' re getting a little ahead of ourselves. |
| [21:59.560] | I' m going to get up, go to work, and not think about him all day. |
| [22:05.140] | Or else I' m going to get up and go to work. |
| [22:08.240] | Wish me luck! What for? |
| [22:10.070] | I' m gonna go get one of those job things. |
| [22:24.660] | Hi, Monica. Franny, welcome back. |
| [22:27.320] | How was Florida? You had sex, didn' t you? |
| [22:32.530] | How do you do that? I hate you. |
| [22:34.930] | I' m pushing my aunt through Parrot Jungle, you' re having sex. |
| [22:39.140] | So, who? |
| [22:42.670] | You know Paul? |
| [22:44.440] | Paul, the wine guy? Yeah, I know Paul. |
| [22:50.350] | You mean, you know Paul like I know Paul? |
| [22:53.050] | What? I take credit for Paul. |
| [22:55.350] | Before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years. |
| [23:02.930] | Of course it was a line. |
| [23:05.830] | Why would anybody do something like that? |
| [23:08.730] | I assume we want an answer more sophisticated than: |
| [23:12.170] | " To get you into bed." " |
| [23:15.310] | I hate men. |
| [23:17.810] | Don' t hate. You don' t want to put that out into the universe. |
| [23:22.250] | Is it me? |
| [23:23.850] | Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs.. |
| [23:27.650] | and men with emotional problems can hear? |
| [23:30.520] | Come here. Give me your feet. |
| [23:40.060] | I just thought he was nice, you know? |
| [23:46.300] | I can' t believe you didn' t know it was a line. |
| [23:53.780] | Guess what? You got a job? |
| [23:55.810] | Are you kidding? I' m trained for nothing. |
| [24:00.380] | I was laughed out of 12 interviews. You' re surprisingly upbeat. |
| [24:04.520] | You' d be too, if you found these boots on sale.. |
| [24:08.000] | 50 off. 5 |
| [24:10.160] | How well you know me. |
| [24:14.360] | They' re my " I don' t need a job.. |
| [24:17.100] | I' ve got great boots" boots. |
| [24:20.570] | How did you pay? Credit card. |
| [24:23.310] | And who pays for that? |
| [24:26.240] | My father. |
| [24:31.750] | Is this really necessary? I can stop charging any time. |
| [24:35.490] | You can' t live off your parents. |
| [24:37.920] | I know that. That' s why I was getting married. |
| [24:42.330] | Give her a break. It' s hard being on your own. |
| [24:45.700] | Thank you. |
| [24:46.860] | I remember when I first came to this city, I was 14. |
| [24:50.600] | Mom had killed herself, stepdad was in jail. |
| [24:53.670] | I didn' t know anybody here. |
| [24:55.910] | I ended up living with this albino guy who was cleaning windshields. |
| [25:00.710] | And then he killed himself. |
| [25:02.710] | Then I found aromatherapy. So I know exactly how you feel. |
| [25:10.690] | The word you' re looking for is: |
| [25:20.400] | You ready? No, how can I be ready? |
| [25:24.330] | " Ready to jump out of the plane with no parachute?" " |
| [25:27.400] | I can' t do this. I know you can. |
| [25:29.840] | No. You made coffee, you can do anything. |
| [25:35.510] | Cut. Cut. Cut. |
| [25:43.550] | You know what? I think we can leave it at that. |
| [25:47.320] | Kind of a symbolic gesture. Rachel, that was a library card. |
| [25:58.070] | If you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream. |
| [26:06.140] | Welcome to the real world! |
| [26:08.010] | It sucks. You' re gonna love it. |
| [26:19.160] | That' s it. Are you going to crash on the couch? |
| [26:22.390] | No, I gotta go home sometime. Are you gonna be okay? |
| [26:28.370] | Look what I just found on the floor. |
| [26:32.600] | What? shen me? |
| [26:34.340] | That' s Paul' s watch. Just put it back where you found it. |
| [26:39.740] | Oh, boy! All right. |
| [26:42.350] | Good night, everybody. Good night. |
| [26:55.730] | I' m sorry. Have it, I don' t want it. Split it? |
| [27:04.870] | You probably didn' t know this, but in high school.. |
| [27:08.710] | I had a major crush on you. |
| [27:12.510] | I knew. |
| [27:14.040] | You did? |
| [27:17.380] | I figured you thought I was Monica' s geeky brother. |
| [27:21.120] | I did. |
| [27:27.820] | Listen, do you think..? |
| [27:29.630] | Try not to let my vulnerability become a factor here. |
| [27:35.270] | Do you think it would be okay if I asked you out sometime? |
| [27:40.300] | Yeah. |
| [27:42.670] | Maybe. |
| [27:44.910] | Okay. |
| [27:51.620] | Okay, maybe I will. |
| [27:57.890] | Good night. Good night. |
| [28:14.370] | See you. |
| [28:17.910] | Wait, wait. What' s with you? |
| [28:23.010] | I just grabbed a spoon. |
| [28:33.420] | I can' t believe what I' m hearing. Can' t believe what I' m hearing |
| [28:37.760] | What? I said What? I said |
| [28:41.000] | Would you stop? Was I doing it again? |
| [28:43.700] | Yes! |
| [28:46.300] | I said you had a nice butt. It' s just not a great butt. |
| [28:50.910] | You won' t know a butt if it bit you. There' s an image. |
| [28:57.610] | Would anybody like more coffee? |
| [29:01.850] | You made it, or you' re serving it? |
| [29:04.290] | I' m just serving it. I' ll have a cup of coffee. |
| [29:08.090] | Kids, new dream. |
| [29:09.730] | I' m in Las Vegas. |
| [29:11.160] | Miss, more coffee? |
| [29:14.200] | Could you give this to that guy over there? |
| [29:18.500] | Go ahead. Thank you. |
| [29:21.470] | Sorry. Okay, Las Vegas. |
| [29:24.410] | I' m in Las Vegas. |
| [29:27.410] | I' m Liza Minnelli.. |
| [00:01.550] | The One Where It All Began Pilot |
| [00:55.370] | There' s nothing to tell. It' s just some guy I work with. |
| [00:59.400] | You' re going out with the guy. |
| [01:01.740] | There has to be something wrong with him. |
| [01:04.540] | All right, Joey. Be nice. |
| [01:06.780] | So does he have a hump and a hairpiece? |
| [01:11.120] | Wait, does he eat chalk? |
| [01:13.720] | I don' t want her to go through what I did with Carl. |
| [01:17.190] | Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. |
| [01:21.460] | It' s just two people going out to dinner and not having sex. |
| [01:26.060] | Sounds like a date to me. |
| [01:31.000] | I' m in high school, in the cafeteria.. |
| [01:33.610] | and I realize I' m totally naked. |
| [01:37.040] | I' ve had that dream. |
| [01:39.240] | Then I look down and I realize there is a phone.. |
| [01:44.050] | there. |
| [01:47.850] | Instead of That' s right! |
| [01:50.060] | Never had that one. |
| [01:51.560] | All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. |
| [01:56.360] | What do I do? Everyone starts looking at me. |
| [01:59.560] | They weren' t looking at you before? |
| [02:03.100] | Finally, I figure I' d better answer it. |
| [02:07.070] | And it turns out it' s my mother. |
| [02:11.080] | Which is very, very weird because she never calls me. |
| [02:20.250] | Hi. |
| [02:24.790] | He says," Hello," I want to kill myself. |
| [02:28.530] | You okay? |
| [02:30.500] | I feel like someone pulled my intestine out of my mouth.. |
| [02:35.370] | and tied it around my neck. Cookie? |
| [02:40.310] | Carol moved her stuff out today. |
| [02:43.070] | Let me get you some coffee. Thanks. |
| [02:49.710] | No, don' t! Stop cleansing my aura. |
| [02:55.020] | Just leave my aura alone, okay? Fine, be murky. |
| [03:00.060] | I' ll be fine. I hope she' ll be happy. No, you don' t. |
| [03:03.830] | No, I don' t. To hell with her. She left me! |
| [03:07.430] | You never knew she was a lesbian? |
| [03:13.540] | No! Okay? |
| [03:15.810] | Why does everyone keep fixating on that? |
| [03:20.310] | She didn' t know. How should I know? |
| [03:24.880] | Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. |
| [03:29.420] | Did I say that out loud? |
| [03:33.860] | I told Mom and Dad last night. They took it pretty well. |
| [03:37.900] | Oh, really? |
| [03:39.100] | So that hysterical phone call from a woman sobbing.. |
| [03:42.930] | " I' ll never have grandchildren," was what? A wrong number? " |
| [03:47.810] | Sorry. |
| [03:49.010] | Look, you' re feeling a lot of pain right now. |
| [03:53.010] | You' re angry. You' re hurting. |
| [03:55.850] | Can I tell you what the answer is? |
| [03:58.250] | Strip joints! |
| [04:01.690] | Hey, you' re single. Have some hormones. |
| [04:05.260] | But I don' t want to be single, okay? |
| [04:07.690] | I just want to be married again. |
| [04:15.400] | And I just want a million dollars! |
| [04:22.670] | Rachel? Oh, Monica! Thank God! |
| [04:26.780] | I went to your building.. |
| [04:28.780] | and a guy with a hammer said you' d be here, and you are. |
| [04:32.720] | Can I get you some coffee? Decaf. |
| [04:37.290] | Everybody, this is Rachel, a Lincoln High survivor. |
| [04:40.890] | This is everybody. Chandler and Phoebe.. |
| [04:43.660] | Joey. Remember my brother, Ross? |
| [04:46.060] | Sure! |
| [04:57.180] | You want to tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? |
| [05:03.050] | Well, it started about a halfhour before the wedding. |
| [05:08.050] | I was in the room with all the presents.. |
| [05:10.920] | and I was looking at this really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat. |
| [05:16.830] | When all of a sudden |
| [05:18.660] | Sweet ' N Low? |
| [05:22.230] | I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than Barry. |
| [05:26.340] | I got freaked out, and it hit me: |
| [05:29.410] | How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Barry |
| [05:32.880] | I always knew he looked familiar, but.. |
| [05:38.680] | I had to get out of there, and I started wondering.. |
| [05:42.290] | " Why am I doing this," and " Who am I doing it for?" " |
| [05:46.160] | I didn' t know where to go, and I know we' ve drifted apart.. |
| [05:50.730] | but you' re the only person I know here. |
| [05:53.730] | Who wasn' t invited to the wedding. I hoped that wouldn' t be an issue. |
| [06:15.590] | I guess he bought her the pipe organ, and she' s really not happy about it. |
| [06:21.130] | " Tuna or egg salad! Decide!" |
| [06:25.260] | " I' ll have whatever Christina' s having." " |
| [06:30.170] | Daddy, I just I can' t marry him. |
| [06:39.080] | Well, it matters to me! |
| [06:44.720] | " If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off." " |
| [06:51.260] | She should not be wearing those pants. |
| [06:57.130] | Push her! Push her down the stairs! |
| [07:04.270] | Come on, Daddy, listen! |
| [07:07.510] | All my life, everyone' s always told me," You' re a shoe!" |
| [07:11.940] | " You' re a shoe!" " |
| [07:14.550] | What if I don' t want to be a shoe? |
| [07:17.820] | What if I want to be a purse? |
| [07:21.050] | Or a hat? |
| [07:24.020] | No, I don' t want you to buy me a hat! |
| [07:26.660] | It' s a metaphor, Daddy! |
| [07:30.560] | You can see where he' d have trouble. |
| [07:35.870] | Look, Daddy, it' s my life. |
| [07:39.000] | Well, maybe I' ll just stay here with Monica. |
| [07:44.710] | I guess we' ve established she' s staying with Monica. |
| [07:48.580] | Well, maybe that' s my decision. |
| [07:52.050] | Maybe I don' t need your money. |
| [07:54.820] | Wait! I said maybe! |
| [08:04.860] | Just breathe. That' s it. |
| [08:07.900] | Try to think of nice, calm things. |
| [08:10.700] | Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens |
| [08:14.640] | Doorbells and sleigh bells And something with mittens |
| [08:19.640] | La la la something And noodles with string |
| [08:23.880] | I' m all better now. |
| [08:27.490] | I helped. |
| [08:31.260] | This is probably for the best. |
| [08:34.430] | Independence. Controlling your life. The whole hat thing. |
| [08:39.260] | You can always come to Joey. |
| [08:43.600] | Me and Chandler live across the hall. He' s away a lot. |
| [08:49.010] | Stop hitting on her! It' s her wedding day. |
| [08:52.040] | Like there' s a rule, or something? |
| [08:57.320] | I got it. |
| [08:59.880] | Please don' t do that again. It' s a horrible sound. |
| [09:03.690] | It' s Paul. |
| [09:05.420] | Oh, God, is it 6: 30? Buzz him in. |
| [09:09.060] | Who' s Paul? Paul, the wine guy? |
| [09:11.730] | Maybe. |
| [09:12.900] | Your " not a real date" is with Paul, the wine guy? |
| [09:16.400] | He finally asked you out? Yes! |
| [09:19.100] | It' s a " Dear Diary" moment. |
| [09:21.770] | Rach, I can cancel. Please, go, I' ll be fine. |
| [09:26.610] | Ross, are you okay? Do you want me to stay? Ross, |
| [09:30.210] | That' d be good. |
| [09:34.150] | Really? Go on! It' s Paul, the wine guy! |
| [09:38.720] | Does he sell it, drink it? |
| [09:41.160] | Or he just complains a lot? |
| [09:44.130] | Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. |
| [09:47.670] | everybody. Everybody, this is Paul. |
| [09:51.870] | The wine guy. I didn' t catch your name. Paul? |
| [09:57.440] | I' ll be right back. I' ve just gotta go |
| [10:00.780] | Awandering? |
| [10:03.350] | Change. |
| [10:04.880] | Sit down. Two seconds. |
| [10:11.220] | I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can' t be good. |
| [10:19.300] | Hey, Paul, here' s a tip. |
| [10:21.870] | She really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot.. |
| [10:26.670] | until it starts to get red. |
| [10:29.710] | Shut up, Joey! |
| [10:33.540] | What are you up to tonight? |
| [10:36.450] | I was supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon.. |
| [10:40.450] | so, nothing. |
| [10:44.160] | Right. You' re not even getting your honeymoon. |
| [10:47.390] | Although, Aruba. This time of year? |
| [10:50.600] | Talk about your.. |
| [10:53.230] | big lizards. |
| [10:59.170] | If you don' t want to be alone tonight.. |
| [11:02.070] | Joey and Chandler are helping me with my furniture. |
| [11:05.840] | We' re very excited about it. |
| [11:08.480] | Thanks. But I' m just going to hang out here. |
| [11:11.880] | It' s been a long day. Oh, sure. |
| [11:14.290] | Phoebe, wanna help? |
| [11:27.670] | Love is sweet as summer showers Love is a wondrous work of art |
| [11:34.010] | But your love Oh, your love, your love |
| [11:39.810] | Is like a giant pigeon |
| [11:44.420] | Crapping on my heart |
| [11:50.550] | Thank you. Lalalalala |
| [12:01.130] | I' m supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things.. |
| [12:05.470] | using a bunch of these little worm guys. |
| [12:09.710] | I have no brackety thing. I see no worm guys whatsoever.. |
| [12:14.480] | and I cannot feel my legs. |
| [12:20.790] | We got a bookcase. It' s beautiful. |
| [12:25.020] | What' s this? |
| [12:26.560] | I would have to say that is an Lshaped bracket. |
| [12:32.000] | Which goes where? I have no idea. |
| [12:38.040] | Done with the bookcase. All finished. |
| [12:44.510] | This was Carol' s favorite beer. |
| [12:48.580] | She always drank it out of the can. I should have known. |
| [12:55.920] | Start with that, we' re out of here. Please don' t spoil all this fun. |
| [13:01.330] | Let me ask you. Ross, |
| [13:02.930] | She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV. |
| [13:07.470] | What did you get? |
| [13:09.500] | You guys. You got screwed. |
| [13:12.770] | Oh, my God. I know. I' m such an idiot. |
| [13:17.580] | I should' ve known when she went to the dentist five times a week. |
| [13:22.350] | I mean, how clean can teeth get? |
| [13:24.880] | My brother' s going through that. |
| [13:27.420] | How did you get over it? |
| [13:29.220] | He might accidentally break something valuable of hers. |
| [13:32.860] | Say her Leg? |
| [13:34.690] | That' s one way of doing it. I went for the watch. |
| [13:39.230] | You actually broke her watch? |
| [13:46.400] | Steer clear of you. That' s right. |
| [13:50.570] | Barry, I' m sorry. I am so sorry. Barry, |
| [13:53.810] | You probably think it' s about making love with your socks on, but it isn' t. |
| [13:59.380] | It' s about me. And I just |
| [14:08.730] | The machine cut me off again. Anyway.. |
| [14:16.630] | I know that some lucky girl is going to become Mrs. Barry Finkel. |
| [14:21.810] | But it isn' t me. It' s not me. |
| [14:25.740] | Not that I have any idea who " me" is right now, but you just |
| [14:32.650] | I' m divorced. |
| [14:34.420] | I' m only 26, and I' m divorced! Shut up! |
| [14:45.200] | That only took me an hour. |
| [14:48.570] | We haven' t had a relationship that' s lasted longer than a Mento. Ross, |
| [14:56.540] | You have had the love of a woman for four years. |
| [15:00.110] | Four years of closeness and sharing, after which she ripped your heart out. |
| [15:05.620] | That is why we don' t do it! |
| [15:09.520] | I don' t think that was my point! |
| [15:13.160] | Know what' s scary? What if there' s only one woman for everybody? |
| [15:17.490] | I mean, what if you get one woman, and that' s it? |
| [15:20.830] | Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her. |
| [15:27.740] | What are you talking about? One woman. |
| [15:31.710] | That' s like saying there' s only one flavor of ice cream. |
| [15:35.410] | Let me tell you something. There' s lots of flavors out there. |
| [15:39.750] | Rocky road and cookie dough and bing cherry vanilla. |
| [15:44.690] | You can get them with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream. |
| [15:49.460] | It' s the best thing to happen to you! |
| [15:52.230] | You got married. You were like, what, 8? |
| [16:01.210] | I don' t know if I' m hungry or horny. Then stay out of my freezer. |
| [16:09.650] | Ever since she walked out on me.. |
| [16:13.250] | What? |
| [16:15.390] | You wanna spell it out with noodles? |
| [16:18.020] | It' s more of a fifth date kind of revelation. |
| [16:27.630] | Isn' t there? |
| [16:29.470] | Yeah, yeah. I think there is. |
| [16:33.370] | What were you going to say? |
| [16:40.180] | Ever since she left me.. |
| [16:43.510] | I haven' t been able to perform.. |
| [16:47.020] | sexually. |
| [16:51.120] | Oh, God! I' m so sorry. |
| [16:54.220] | Being spit on is probably not what you need right now. |
| [17:00.200] | How long? |
| [17:01.870] | Two years. Wow. |
| [17:05.170] | I' m glad you smashed her watch. |
| [17:09.940] | So you still think you might want that fifth date? |
| [17:16.450] | Yeah. Yeah, I do. |
| [17:21.220] | We are gathered here to join Joanie Louise Cunningham.. |
| [17:26.260] | and Charles. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi.. |
| [17:32.330] | in the bonds of holy matrimony. |
| [17:36.670] | See! |
| [17:37.940] | But Joanie loved Chachi. That' s the difference. |
| [17:44.810] | " Grab a spoon." |
| [17:46.840] | Do you know how long it' s been since I grabbed a spoon? |
| [17:50.510] | Do the words," Billy, don' t be a hero," mean anything to you? |
| [17:58.490] | Great story. But I gotta go. |
| [18:01.790] | I got a date with Andrea. Angela. No, Andrea. |
| [18:06.830] | Andrea' s the screamer. Angela has cats. |
| [18:10.400] | Right, thanks. It' s Julie. I' m out of here. |
| [18:16.640] | Here' s the thing. Even if I could get it together enough.. |
| [18:21.180] | to ask a woman out.. |
| [18:49.940] | Isn' t this amazing? I' ve never made coffee in my life. |
| [18:53.940] | That is amazing. Congratulations. |
| [18:56.650] | If I can make coffee, there isn' t anything I can' t do. |
| [19:06.290] | If you feel like you have to make a Western omelet or something.. |
| [19:13.900] | Although, actually I' m really not that hungry. |
| [19:18.570] | Oh, good. Lenny and Squiggy are here. |
| [19:22.510] | Good morning. Good morning. |
| [19:26.540] | Morning. Morning, Paul. |
| [19:28.780] | Hello, Paul. Hi. Paul, is it? |
| [19:38.660] | Thank you so much. Stop. |
| [19:41.790] | Last night was like all my birthdays, both graduations.. |
| [19:46.530] | plus the barnraising scene in Witness. |
| [20:01.680] | Thank you. |
| [20:10.450] | That wasn' t a real date. |
| [20:18.230] | Shut up and put my table back. |
| [20:21.900] | I' ve got to get to work. |
| [20:32.540] | So, like, you guys all have jobs? |
| [20:36.380] | Yeah, we all have jobs. That' s how we buy stuff. |
| [20:43.090] | Yeah, I' m an actor. Have I seen you in anything? |
| [20:47.390] | I doubt it. Mostly regional work. |
| [20:53.630] | at the little theater in the park? |
| [20:56.830] | It was a job! |
| [20:58.540] | " Look, Geppetto. I' m a real live boy." |
| [21:03.940] | I will not take this abuse. You' re right, I' m sorry. |
| [21:13.080] | You should both know that he' s a dead man. |
| [21:17.450] | Oh, Chandler! |
| [21:21.860] | How are you doing today? Sleep okay? |
| [21:24.360] | Did you talk to Barry? I can' t stop smiling. |
| [21:28.470] | I see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. |
| [21:37.670] | I know. He' s just so... |
| [21:41.310] | Remember you and Tony Demarco? Oh, yeah. |
| [21:44.250] | Well, it' s like that. With feelings. |
| [21:48.850] | Wow, are you in trouble! Big time! |
| [21:52.320] | Want a wedding dress? Hardly used. |
| [21:55.790] | I think we' re getting a little ahead of ourselves. |
| [21:59.560] | I' m going to get up, go to work, and not think about him all day. |
| [22:05.140] | Or else I' m going to get up and go to work. |
| [22:08.240] | Wish me luck! What for? |
| [22:10.070] | I' m gonna go get one of those job things. |
| [22:24.660] | Hi, Monica. Franny, welcome back. |
| [22:27.320] | How was Florida? You had sex, didn' t you? |
| [22:32.530] | How do you do that? I hate you. |
| [22:34.930] | I' m pushing my aunt through Parrot Jungle, you' re having sex. |
| [22:39.140] | So, who? |
| [22:42.670] | You know Paul? |
| [22:44.440] | Paul, the wine guy? Yeah, I know Paul. |
| [22:50.350] | You mean, you know Paul like I know Paul? |
| [22:53.050] | What? I take credit for Paul. |
| [22:55.350] | Before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years. |
| [23:02.930] | Of course it was a line. |
| [23:05.830] | Why would anybody do something like that? |
| [23:08.730] | I assume we want an answer more sophisticated than: |
| [23:12.170] | " To get you into bed." " |
| [23:15.310] | I hate men. |
| [23:17.810] | Don' t hate. You don' t want to put that out into the universe. |
| [23:22.250] | Is it me? |
| [23:23.850] | Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs.. |
| [23:27.650] | and men with emotional problems can hear? |
| [23:30.520] | Come here. Give me your feet. |
| [23:40.060] | I just thought he was nice, you know? |
| [23:46.300] | I can' t believe you didn' t know it was a line. |
| [23:53.780] | Guess what? You got a job? |
| [23:55.810] | Are you kidding? I' m trained for nothing. |
| [24:00.380] | I was laughed out of 12 interviews. You' re surprisingly upbeat. |
| [24:04.520] | You' d be too, if you found these boots on sale.. |
| [24:08.000] | 50 off. 5 |
| [24:10.160] | How well you know me. |
| [24:14.360] | They' re my " I don' t need a job.. |
| [24:17.100] | I' ve got great boots" boots. |
| [24:20.570] | How did you pay? Credit card. |
| [24:23.310] | And who pays for that? |
| [24:26.240] | My father. |
| [24:31.750] | Is this really necessary? I can stop charging any time. |
| [24:35.490] | You can' t live off your parents. |
| [24:37.920] | I know that. That' s why I was getting married. |
| [24:42.330] | Give her a break. It' s hard being on your own. |
| [24:45.700] | Thank you. |
| [24:46.860] | I remember when I first came to this city, I was 14. |
| [24:50.600] | Mom had killed herself, stepdad was in jail. |
| [24:53.670] | I didn' t know anybody here. |
| [24:55.910] | I ended up living with this albino guy who was cleaning windshields. |
| [25:00.710] | And then he killed himself. |
| [25:02.710] | Then I found aromatherapy. So I know exactly how you feel. |
| [25:10.690] | The word you' re looking for is: |
| [25:20.400] | You ready? No, how can I be ready? |
| [25:24.330] | " Ready to jump out of the plane with no parachute?" " |
| [25:27.400] | I can' t do this. I know you can. |
| [25:29.840] | No. You made coffee, you can do anything. |
| [25:35.510] | Cut. Cut. Cut. |
| [25:43.550] | You know what? I think we can leave it at that. |
| [25:47.320] | Kind of a symbolic gesture. Rachel, that was a library card. |
| [25:58.070] | If you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream. |
| [26:06.140] | Welcome to the real world! |
| [26:08.010] | It sucks. You' re gonna love it. |
| [26:19.160] | That' s it. Are you going to crash on the couch? |
| [26:22.390] | No, I gotta go home sometime. Are you gonna be okay? |
| [26:28.370] | Look what I just found on the floor. |
| [26:32.600] | What? shén me? |
| [26:34.340] | That' s Paul' s watch. Just put it back where you found it. |
| [26:39.740] | Oh, boy! All right. |
| [26:42.350] | Good night, everybody. Good night. |
| [26:55.730] | I' m sorry. Have it, I don' t want it. Split it? |
| [27:04.870] | You probably didn' t know this, but in high school.. |
| [27:08.710] | I had a major crush on you. |
| [27:12.510] | I knew. |
| [27:14.040] | You did? |
| [27:17.380] | I figured you thought I was Monica' s geeky brother. |
| [27:21.120] | I did. |
| [27:27.820] | Listen, do you think..? |
| [27:29.630] | Try not to let my vulnerability become a factor here. |
| [27:35.270] | Do you think it would be okay if I asked you out sometime? |
| [27:40.300] | Yeah. |
| [27:42.670] | Maybe. |
| [27:44.910] | Okay. |
| [27:51.620] | Okay, maybe I will. |
| [27:57.890] | Good night. Good night. |
| [28:14.370] | See you. |
| [28:17.910] | Wait, wait. What' s with you? |
| [28:23.010] | I just grabbed a spoon. |
| [28:33.420] | I can' t believe what I' m hearing. Can' t believe what I' m hearing |
| [28:37.760] | What? I said What? I said |
| [28:41.000] | Would you stop? Was I doing it again? |
| [28:43.700] | Yes! |
| [28:46.300] | I said you had a nice butt. It' s just not a great butt. |
| [28:50.910] | You won' t know a butt if it bit you. There' s an image. |
| [28:57.610] | Would anybody like more coffee? |
| [29:01.850] | You made it, or you' re serving it? |
| [29:04.290] | I' m just serving it. I' ll have a cup of coffee. |
| [29:08.090] | Kids, new dream. |
| [29:09.730] | I' m in Las Vegas. |
| [29:11.160] | Miss, more coffee? |
| [29:14.200] | Could you give this to that guy over there? |
| [29:18.500] | Go ahead. Thank you. |
| [29:21.470] | Sorry. Okay, Las Vegas. |
| [29:24.410] | I' m in Las Vegas. |
| [29:27.410] | I' m Liza Minnelli.. |
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