[00:01.550]The One Where It All Began (Pilot)
[00:55.370]There's nothing to tell. It's just some guy I work with.
[00:59.400]You're going out with the guy.
[01:01.740]There has to be something wrong with him.
[01:04.540]All right,Joey. Be nice.
[01:06.780]So does he have a hump and a hairpiece?
[01:11.120]Wait,does he eat chalk?
[01:13.720]I don't want her to go through what I did with Carl.
[01:17.190]Okay,everybody relax. This is not even a date.
[01:21.460]It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
[01:26.060]Sounds like a date to me.
[01:31.000]I'm in high school, in the cafeteria..
[01:33.610]and I realize I'm totally naked.
[01:37.040]I've had that dream.
[01:39.240]Then I look down and I realize there is a phone..
[01:44.050]there.
[01:47.850]- Instead of - That's right!
[01:50.060]Never had that one.
[01:51.560]All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.
[01:56.360]What do I do? Everyone starts looking at me.
[01:59.560]They weren't looking at you before?
[02:03.100]Finally,I figure I'd better answer it.
[02:07.070]And it turns out it's my mother.
[02:11.080]Which is very,very weird because she never calls me.
[02:20.250]Hi.
[02:24.790]He says,"Hello," I want to kill myself.
[02:28.530]You okay?
[02:30.500]I feel like someone pulled my intestine out of my mouth..
[02:35.370]- and tied it around my neck. - Cookie? -
[02:40.310]Carol moved her stuff out today.
[02:43.070]- Let me get you some coffee. - Thanks.
[02:49.710]No,don't! Stop cleansing my aura.
[02:55.020]- Just leave my aura alone,okay? - Fine,be murky.
[03:00.060]- I'll be fine. I hope she'll be happy. - No,you don't.
[03:03.830]No,I don't. To hell with her. She left me!
[03:07.430]You never knew she was a lesbian?
[03:13.540]No! Okay?
[03:15.810]Why does everyone keep fixating on that?
[03:20.310]She didn't know. How should I know?
[03:24.880]Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
[03:29.420]Did I say that out loud?
[03:33.860]I told Mom and Dad last night. They took it pretty well.
[03:37.900]Oh,really?
[03:39.100]So that hysterical phone call from a woman sobbing..
[03:42.930]"I'll never have grandchildren," was what? A wrong number? “
[03:47.810]Sorry.
[03:49.010]Look,you're feeling a lot of pain right now.
[03:53.010]You're angry. You're hurting.
[03:55.850]Can I tell you what the answer is?
[03:58.250]Strip joints!
[04:01.690]Hey,you're single. Have some hormones.
[04:05.260]But I don't want to be single,okay?
[04:07.690]I just want to be married again.
[04:15.400]And I just want a million dollars!
[04:22.670]- Rachel? - Oh,Monica! Thank God!
[04:26.780]I went to your building..
[04:28.780]and a guy with a hammer said you'd be here,and you are.
[04:32.720]- Can I get you some coffee? - Decaf. -
[04:37.290]Everybody,this is Rachel, a Lincoln High survivor.
[04:40.890]This is everybody. Chandler and Phoebe..
[04:43.660]Joey. Remember my brother,Ross?
[04:46.060]Sure! -
[04:57.180]You want to tell us now,or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
[05:03.050]Well,it started about a half-hour before the wedding.
[05:08.050]I was in the room with all the presents..
[05:10.920]and I was looking at this really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat.
[05:16.830]When all of a sudden
[05:18.660]Sweet 'N Low?
[05:22.230]I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than Barry.
[05:26.340]I got freaked out, and it hit me:
[05:29.410]How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Barry
[05:32.880]I always knew he looked familiar,but..
[05:38.680]I had to get out of there, and I started wondering..
[05:42.290]"Why am I doing this," and "Who am I doing it for?" “
[05:46.160]I didn't know where to go, and I know we've drifted apart..
[05:50.730]but you're the only person I know here.
[05:53.730]- Who wasn't invited to the wedding. - I hoped that wouldn't be an issue. -
[06:15.590]I guess he bought her the pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
[06:21.130]"Tuna or egg salad! Decide!"
[06:25.260]"I'll have whatever Christina's having." “
[06:30.170]Daddy,I just I can't marry him.
[06:39.080]Well,it matters to me!
[06:44.720]"If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off." “
[06:51.260]She should not be wearing those pants.
[06:57.130]Push her! Push her down the stairs!
[07:04.270]Come on,Daddy,listen!
[07:07.510]All my life,everyone's always told me,"You're a shoe!"
[07:11.940]"You're a shoe!" “
[07:14.550]What if I don't want to be a shoe?
[07:17.820]What if I want to be a purse?
[07:21.050]Or a hat?
[07:24.020]No,I don't want you to buy me a hat!
[07:26.660]It's a metaphor,Daddy!
[07:30.560]You can see where he'd have trouble.
[07:35.870]Look,Daddy, it's my life.
[07:39.000]Well,maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
[07:44.710]I guess we've established she's staying with Monica.
[07:48.580]Well,maybe that's my decision.
[07:52.050]Maybe I don't need your money.
[07:54.820]Wait! I said maybe!
[08:04.860]Just breathe. That's it.
[08:07.900]Try to think of nice,calm things.
[08:10.700]Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens
[08:14.640]Doorbells and sleigh bells And something with mittens
[08:19.640]La la la something And noodles with string
[08:23.880]I'm all better now.
[08:27.490]I helped.
[08:31.260]This is probably for the best.
[08:34.430]Independence. Controlling your life. The whole hat thing.
[08:39.260]You can always come to Joey.
[08:43.600]Me and Chandler live across the hall. He's away a lot.
[08:49.010]Stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day.
[08:52.040]Like there's a rule,or something?
[08:57.320]I got it.
[08:59.880]Please don't do that again. It's a horrible sound.
[09:03.690]It's Paul.
[09:05.420]Oh,God,is it 6:30? Buzz him in.
[09:09.060]- Who's Paul? - Paul,the wine guy? -
[09:11.730]Maybe.
[09:12.900]Your "not a real date" is with Paul,the wine guy?
[09:16.400]- He finally asked you out? - Yes! -
[09:19.100]It's a "Dear Diary" moment.
[09:21.770]- Rach,I can cancel. - Please,go,I'll be fine. -
[09:26.610]Ross,are you okay? Do you want me to stay? Ross,
[09:30.210]That'd be good.
[09:34.150]- Really?- Go on! It's Paul,the wine guy! -
[09:38.720]Does he sell it,drink it?
[09:41.160]Or he just complains a lot?
[09:44.130]Hi,come in! Paul,this is..
[09:47.670]everybody. Everybody,this is Paul.
[09:51.870]- The wine guy. - I didn't catch your name. Paul?
[09:57.440]I'll be right back. I've just gotta go
[10:00.780]A-wandering?
[10:03.350]Change.
[10:04.880]Sit down. Two seconds.
[10:11.220]I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
[10:19.300]Hey,Paul,here's a tip.
[10:21.870]She really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot..
[10:26.670]until it starts to get red.
[10:29.710]Shut up,Joey!
[10:33.540]What are you up to tonight?
[10:36.450]I was supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon..
[10:40.450]so,nothing.
[10:44.160]Right. You're not even getting your honeymoon.
[10:47.390]Although,Aruba. This time of year?
[10:50.600]Talk about your..
[10:53.230]big lizards.
[10:59.170]If you don't want to be alone tonight..
[11:02.070]Joey and Chandler are helping me with my furniture.
[11:05.840]We're very excited about it.
[11:08.480]Thanks. But I'm just going to hang out here.
[11:11.880]- It's been a long day. - Oh,sure. -
[11:14.290]Phoebe,wanna help?
[11:27.670]Love is sweet as summer showers Love is a wondrous work of art
[11:34.010]But your love Oh,your love,your love
[11:39.810]Is like a giant pigeon
[11:44.420]Crapping on my heart
[11:50.550]Thank you. La-la-la-la-la-
[12:01.130]I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y thing to the side things..
[12:05.470]using a bunch of these little worm guys.
[12:09.710]I have no bracket-y thing. I see no worm guys whatsoever..
[12:14.480]and I cannot feel my legs.
[12:20.790]- We got a bookcase. - It's beautiful. -
[12:25.020]What's this?
[12:26.560]I would have to say that is an L-shaped bracket.
[12:32.000]- Which goes where? - I have no idea. -
[12:38.040]- Done with the bookcase. - All finished. -
[12:44.510]This was Carol's favorite beer.
[12:48.580]She always drank it out of the can. I should have known.
[12:55.920]- Start with that,we're out of here. - Please don't spoil all this fun. -
[13:01.330]Let me ask you. Ross,
[13:02.930]She got the furniture, the stereo,the good TV.
[13:07.470]What did you get?
[13:09.500]- You guys. - You got screwed. -
[13:12.770]- Oh,my God. - I know. I'm such an idiot. -
[13:17.580]I should've known when she went to the dentist five times a week.
[13:22.350]I mean,how clean can teeth get?
[13:24.880]My brother's going through that.
[13:27.420]How did you get over it?
[13:29.220]He might accidentally break something valuable of hers.
[13:32.860]- Say her - Leg?
[13:34.690]That's one way of doing it. I went for the watch.
[13:39.230]You actually broke her watch?
[13:46.400]- Steer clear of you. - That's right.
[13:50.570]Barry,I'm sorry. I am so sorry. Barry,
[13:53.810]You probably think it's about making love with your socks on,but it isn't.
[13:59.380]It's about me. And I just
[14:08.730]The machine cut me off again. Anyway..
[14:16.630]I know that some lucky girl is going to become Mrs. Barry Finkel.
[14:21.810]But it isn't me. It's not me.
[14:25.740]Not that I have any idea who "me" is right now,but you just
[14:32.650]I'm divorced.
[14:34.420]- I'm only 26,and I'm divorced! - Shut up!
[14:45.200]That only took me an hour.
[14:48.570]We haven't had a relationship that's lasted longer than a Mento. Ross,
[14:56.540]You have had the love of a woman for four years.
[15:00.110]Four years of closeness and sharing, after which she ripped your heart out.
[15:05.620]That is why we don't do it!
[15:09.520]I don't think that was my point!
[15:13.160]Know what's scary? What if there's only one woman for everybody?
[15:17.490]I mean,what if you get one woman,and that's it?
[15:20.830]Unfortunately,in my case, there was only one woman for her.
[15:27.740]What are you talking about? One woman.
[15:31.710]That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream.
[15:35.410]Let me tell you something. There's lots of flavors out there.
[15:39.750]Rocky road and cookie dough and bing cherry vanilla.
[15:44.690]You can get them with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream.
[15:49.460]It's the best thing to happen to you!
[15:52.230]You got married. You were like,what,8?
[16:01.210]- I don't know if I'm hungry or horny. - Then stay out of my freezer. -
[16:09.650]Ever since she walked out on me..
[16:13.250]What?
[16:15.390]You wanna spell it out with noodles?
[16:18.020]It's more of a fifth date kind of revelation.
[16:27.630]Isn't there?
[16:29.470]Yeah,yeah. I think there is.
[16:33.370]What were you going to say? -
[16:40.180]Ever since she left me..
[16:43.510]I haven't been able to perform..
[16:47.020]sexually.
[16:51.120]Oh,God! I'm so sorry.
[16:54.220]Being spit on is probably not what you need right now.
[17:00.200]How long?
[17:01.870]- Two years. - Wow.
[17:05.170]I'm glad you smashed her watch.
[17:09.940]So you still think you might want that fifth date?
[17:16.450]Yeah. Yeah,I do.
[17:21.220]We are gathered here to join Joanie Louise Cunningham..
[17:26.260]and Charles. Chachi,Chachi,Chachi..
[17:32.330]in the bonds of holy matrimony.
[17:36.670]See!
[17:37.940]But Joanie loved Chachi. That's the difference.
[17:44.810]"Grab a spoon."
[17:46.840]Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon?
[17:50.510]Do the words,"Billy,don't be a hero," mean anything to you?
[17:58.490]Great story. But I gotta go.
[18:01.790]I got a date with Andrea. Angela. No,Andrea.
[18:06.830]Andrea's the screamer. Angela has cats.
[18:10.400]Right,thanks. It's Julie. I'm out of here.
[18:16.640]Here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough..
[18:21.180]to ask a woman out..
[18:49.940]Isn't this amazing? I've never made coffee in my life.
[18:53.940]- That is amazing. - Congratulations.
[18:56.650]If I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.
[19:06.290]If you feel like you have to make a Western omelet or something..
[19:13.900]Although,actually I'm really not that hungry.
[19:18.570]Oh,good. Lenny and Squiggy are here.
[19:22.510]- Good morning. - Good morning.
[19:26.540]- Morning. - Morning,Paul.
[19:28.780]- Hello,Paul. - Hi. Paul,is it?
[19:38.660]- Thank you so much. - Stop.
[19:41.790]Last night was like all my birthdays,both graduations..
[19:46.530]plus the barn-raising scene in Witness.
[20:01.680]Thank you.
[20:10.450]That wasn't a real date.
[20:18.230]Shut up and put my table back.
[20:21.900]I've got to get to work.
[20:32.540]So,like,you guys all have jobs?
[20:36.380]Yeah,we all have jobs. That's how we buy stuff.
[20:43.090]- Yeah,I'm an actor. - Have I seen you in anything?
[20:47.390]I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
[20:53.630]at the little theater in the park?
[20:56.830]It was a job!
[20:58.540]"Look,Geppetto. I'm a real live boy."
[21:03.940]- I will not take this abuse. - You're right,I'm sorry. -
[21:13.080]You should both know that he's a dead man.
[21:17.450]Oh,Chandler!
[21:21.860]How are you doing today? Sleep okay?
[21:24.360]Did you talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
[21:28.470]I see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
[21:37.670]I know. He's just so...
[21:41.310]- Remember you and Tony Demarco? - Oh,yeah. -
[21:44.250]Well,it's like that. With feelings.
[21:48.850]- Wow,are you in trouble! - Big time! -
[21:52.320]Want a wedding dress? Hardly used.
[21:55.790]I think we're getting a little ahead of ourselves.
[21:59.560]I'm going to get up,go to work, and not think about him all day.
[22:05.140]Or else I'm going to get up and go to work.
[22:08.240]- Wish me luck! - What for? -
[22:10.070]I'm gonna go get one of those job things.
[22:24.660]- Hi,Monica. - Franny,welcome back.
[22:27.320]- How was Florida? - You had sex,didn't you?
[22:32.530]- How do you do that? - I hate you.
[22:34.930]I'm pushing my aunt through Parrot Jungle,you're having sex.
[22:39.140]So,who?
[22:42.670]You know Paul?
[22:44.440]Paul,the wine guy? Yeah,I know Paul.
[22:50.350]You mean,you know Paul like I know Paul?
[22:53.050]What? I take credit for Paul.
[22:55.350]Before me,there was no snap in his turtle for two years.
[23:02.930]Of course it was a line.
[23:05.830]Why would anybody do something like that?
[23:08.730]I assume we want an answer more sophisticated than:
[23:12.170]"To get you into bed." “
[23:15.310]I hate men.
[23:17.810]Don't hate. You don't want to put that out into the universe.
[23:22.250]Is it me?
[23:23.850]Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs..
[23:27.650]and men with emotional problems can hear?
[23:30.520]Come here. Give me your feet.
[23:40.060]I just thought he was nice,you know?
[23:46.300]I can't believe you didn't know it was a line.
[23:53.780]- Guess what? - You got a job?
[23:55.810]Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing.
[24:00.380]- I was laughed out of 12 interviews. - You're surprisingly upbeat. -
[24:04.520]You'd be too, if you found these boots on sale..
[24:08.000]50% off. 5
[24:10.160]How well you know me.
[24:14.360]They're my "I don't need a job..
[24:17.100]I've got great boots" boots.
[24:20.570]- How did you pay? - Credit card. -
[24:23.310]And who pays for that?
[24:26.240]My father.
[24:31.750]Is this really necessary? I can stop charging any time.
[24:35.490]You can't live off your parents.
[24:37.920]I know that. That's why I was getting married.
[24:42.330]Give her a break. It's hard being on your own.
[24:45.700]Thank you.
[24:46.860]I remember when I first came to this city,I was 14.
[24:50.600]Mom had killed herself, stepdad was in jail.
[24:53.670]I didn't know anybody here.
[24:55.910]I ended up living with this albino guy who was cleaning windshields.
[25:00.710]And then he killed himself.
[25:02.710]Then I found aromatherapy. So I know exactly how you feel.
[25:10.690]The word you're looking for is:
[25:20.400]- You ready? - No,how can I be ready? -
[25:24.330]"Ready to jump out of the plane with no parachute?" “
[25:27.400]- I can't do this. - I know you can.
[25:29.840]- No. - You made coffee,you can do anything. -
[25:35.510]Cut. Cut. Cut.
[25:43.550]You know what? I think we can leave it at that.
[25:47.320]- Kind of a symbolic gesture. - Rachel,that was a library card. -
[25:58.070]If you listen closely,you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
[26:06.140]Welcome to the real world!
[26:08.010]It sucks. You're gonna love it.
[26:19.160]That's it. Are you going to crash on the couch?
[26:22.390]- No,I gotta go home sometime. - Are you gonna be okay?
[26:28.370]Look what I just found on the floor.
[26:32.600]What? 什么?
[26:34.340]That's Paul's watch. Just put it back where you found it.
[26:39.740]Oh,boy! All right.
[26:42.350]- Good night,everybody. - Good night.
[26:55.730]- I'm sorry. Have it,I don't want it. - Split it? -
[27:04.870]You probably didn't know this, but in high school..
[27:08.710]I had a major crush on you.
[27:12.510]I knew.
[27:14.040]You did?
[27:17.380]I figured you thought I was Monica's geeky brother.
[27:21.120]I did.
[27:27.820]Listen,do you think..?
[27:29.630]Try not to let my vulnerability become a factor here.
[27:35.270]Do you think it would be okay if I asked you out sometime?
[27:40.300]Yeah.
[27:42.670]Maybe.
[27:44.910]Okay.
[27:51.620]Okay,maybe I will.
[27:57.890]- Good night. - Good night.
[28:14.370]See you.
[28:17.910]Wait,wait. What's with you?
[28:23.010]I just grabbed a spoon.
[28:33.420]- I can't believe what I'm hearing. - Can't believe what I'm hearing -
[28:37.760]- What? I said - What? I said -
[28:41.000]- Would you stop? - Was I doing it again? -
[28:43.700]Yes! -
[28:46.300]I said you had a nice butt. It's just not a great butt.
[28:50.910]- You won't know a butt if it bit you. - There's an image. -
[28:57.610]Would anybody like more coffee?
[29:01.850]You made it, or you're serving it?
[29:04.290]- I'm just serving it. - I'll have a cup of coffee. -
[29:08.090]Kids,new dream.
[29:09.730]I'm in Las Vegas.
[29:11.160]Miss,more coffee?
[29:14.200]Could you give this to that guy over there?
[29:18.500]Go ahead. Thank you.
[29:21.470]Sorry. Okay,Las Vegas.
[29:24.410]I'm in Las Vegas.
[29:27.410]I'm Liza Minnelli.. …