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This is a story - I promise it's true |
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A tale of a crafty ol' robbery crew |
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They could clean any safe in a minute or two |
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They had hit every bank... and post office too |
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They had snatched every diamond and valuable gem |
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Seemed like nothing could offer a challenge to them |
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Then one Christmas they hatched a most brilliant score: |
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A plan for a heist... not attempted before |
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So they painted their guns white and learned how to ski |
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They got their disguise from a Christmas tree |
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Then they went to the North Pole as fast as could be |
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They were going to rob... Santa's toy factory |
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(My kind of crew - like taking candy from a baby!) |
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They traveled through blizzards for over a week |
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'Til they saw Santa's factory up on a peak |
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By the candy cane fence they then started to sneak |
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Seemed security there - was surprisingly weak |
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'Round the factory building came elves on the way |
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Bringing bags full of toys down to Santa's big sleigh |
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They were busy as bees but they froze at the sound |
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When our robbery crew... shouted \"down on the ground!\" |
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Then a plan as efficient as clockwork commenced |
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Where they melted away the elves' snowball defense |
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Then they hog tied the reindeers inside of their fence |
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And the helpers soon slept... thanks to gas in the vents |
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(Nice touch!) |
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They blew up the fuse box and turned on night vision |
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Then they utilized shape charges to get inside |
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They drilled through security doors with precision |
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Then manhandled Santa and had him tied |
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(Serves him right, big red fucker!) |
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Santa was tougher to crack than they thought |
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He just wouldn't surrender the code for the vault |
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Though they stepped on his glasses so he couldn't see |
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And an ice pick was used... to crack open his knee |
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(Good one!) |
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After water board torture and kicking his balls |
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After hours of smashing his face into walls |
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They finally realized just what did the trick |
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When they threatened cut off... Santa's beard, so thick |
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(You have got a dirty mind!) |
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So he gave up the code and they all gathered 'round |
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To find out just what treasures were there to be found |
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As the vault door swung open they realized why |
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A heist against Santa had never been tried |
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They looked in the vault and they all felt like rookies |
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See, inside there were just... lots of milk and cookies |
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(Aw, dear god - you fucking amateurs! Why d'you think no one's done it before? Dickheads...) |
