This is a story - I promise it's true
A tale of a crafty ol' robbery crew
They could clean any safe in a minute or two
They had hit every bank... and post office too
They had snatched every diamond and valuable gem
Seemed like nothing could offer a challenge to them
Then one Christmas they hatched a most brilliant score:
A plan for a heist... not attempted before
So they painted their guns white and learned how to ski
They got their disguise from a Christmas tree
Then they went to the North Pole as fast as could be
They were going to rob... Santa's toy factory
(My kind of crew - like taking candy from a baby!)
They traveled through blizzards for over a week
'Til they saw Santa's factory up on a peak
By the candy cane fence they then started to sneak
Seemed security there - was surprisingly weak
'Round the factory building came elves on the way
Bringing bags full of toys down to Santa's big sleigh
They were busy as bees but they froze at the sound
When our robbery crew... shouted \"down on the ground!\"
Then a plan as efficient as clockwork commenced
Where they melted away the elves' snowball defense
Then they hog tied the reindeers inside of their fence
And the helpers soon slept... thanks to gas in the vents
(Nice touch!)
They blew up the fuse box and turned on night vision
Then they utilized shape charges to get inside
They drilled through security doors with precision
Then manhandled Santa and had him tied
(Serves him right, big red fucker!)
Santa was tougher to crack than they thought
He just wouldn't surrender the code for the vault
Though they stepped on his glasses so he couldn't see
And an ice pick was used... to crack open his knee
(Good one!)
After water board torture and kicking his balls
After hours of smashing his face into walls
They finally realized just what did the trick
When they threatened cut off... Santa's beard, so thick
(You have got a dirty mind!)
So he gave up the code and they all gathered 'round
To find out just what treasures were there to be found
As the vault door swung open they realized why
A heist against Santa had never been tried
They looked in the vault and they all felt like rookies
See, inside there were just... lots of milk and cookies
(Aw, dear god - you fucking amateurs! Why d'you think no one's done it before? Dickheads...)