| Song | For What Is Chatteris... |
| Artist | Half Man Half Biscuit |
| Album | Achtung Bono |
| One way system – smooth and commendable | |
| Go by bus – they’re highly dependable | |
| The swings in the park for the kids have won awards | |
| The clean streets acknowledged in the Lords | |
| But what’s a park if you can’t see a linnet? | |
| A timetable if your journey’s infinite? | |
| My bag’s packed and I’m leaving in a minute | |
| For what is Chatteris without you in it? | |
| Car crime’s low, the gun crime’s lower | |
| The town hall band CD, it’s a grower | |
| You never hear of folk getting knocked on the bonce | |
| Although there was a drive-by shouting once | |
| But there’s a brass band everywhere | |
| And I don’t drive, so I don’t care | |
| And as a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square | |
| What’s Chatteris if you’re not there? | |
| Like a game-bird reserve short on pheasants | |
| Weavers’ cottages devoid of tenants | |
| A market town that lacks quintessence | |
| That’s Chatteris without your presence | |
| Three good butchers, two fine chandlers | |
| An indoor pool and a first class cake shop | |
| Ofsted plaudits, envy of the Fens | |
| Prick barriers at both ends | |
| But what’s Chatteris if you’re not there? | |
| What’s Chatteris if you’re not there? | |
| What’s Chatteris if you’re not there? | |
| What’s Chatteris if you’re not there? | |
| What’s Chatteris if you’re not there? | |
| What’s Chatteris if you’re not there? | |
| I may as well be in Ely or St.Ives… |
| One way system smooth and commendable | |
| Go by bus they' re highly dependable | |
| The swings in the park for the kids have won awards | |
| The clean streets acknowledged in the Lords | |
| But what' s a park if you can' t see a linnet? | |
| A timetable if your journey' s infinite? | |
| My bag' s packed and I' m leaving in a minute | |
| For what is Chatteris without you in it? | |
| Car crime' s low, the gun crime' s lower | |
| The town hall band CD, it' s a grower | |
| You never hear of folk getting knocked on the bonce | |
| Although there was a driveby shouting once | |
| But there' s a brass band everywhere | |
| And I don' t drive, so I don' t care | |
| And as a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square | |
| What' s Chatteris if you' re not there? | |
| Like a gamebird reserve short on pheasants | |
| Weavers' cottages devoid of tenants | |
| A market town that lacks quintessence | |
| That' s Chatteris without your presence | |
| Three good butchers, two fine chandlers | |
| An indoor pool and a first class cake shop | |
| Ofsted plaudits, envy of the Fens | |
| Prick barriers at both ends | |
| But what' s Chatteris if you' re not there? | |
| What' s Chatteris if you' re not there? | |
| What' s Chatteris if you' re not there? | |
| What' s Chatteris if you' re not there? | |
| What' s Chatteris if you' re not there? | |
| What' s Chatteris if you' re not there? | |
| I may as well be in Ely or St. Ives |