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[ti:Professional Rapper] |
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[ar:Lil *************y] |
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[al:Professional Rapper] |
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Hello, how can I help you? |
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Hi, my name's Dave Burd |
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I have an appointment today. It's probably under "Lil *************y" |
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Actually, I'm a… I'm a rapper, so… |
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OK, and who are you here to see? |
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Uh, Snoop Dogg? Says here "Snoop D-o-g-g" |
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Oh, yeah. He's right down the hall. First door to your right |
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Give him a knock and he should be right with you |
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Thanks. It's uh, this door right here, right? |
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Mm-hmm |
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Thank you |
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Grab a seat |
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Thanks I'm Dave very nice to meet |
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Dave, what it do? You can call me Dogg |
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Let me just check your sheet |
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No problem |
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Sir, let me just say |
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I'm a big fan of the *************t that y'all make |
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I can't lie, I been thinking about this all day |
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All good, there's a reason that we called, Dave |
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Let me start with your background |
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Where you come from? |
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Sure, I was undergrad down there in Richmond |
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Before that |
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Oh, you talking bout my hometown? |
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Yeah |
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I was born out of Philly grew up in a little silly old town called Cheltenham |
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It was in the suburbs, upper-middle wealth around |
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So real *************t you ain't never had to struggle for much |
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I wouldn't say it like that, we just had a different kind of trap |
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Elaborate |
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Well I ain't never had a tool, but I had to be the man at school |
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Like I was doing *************t I had to do so when I finished undergrad |
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I'm cool and I can get whatever job I wanted |
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But the job you wanted wasn't all that bumping |
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Yeah, and I saw it quick all the flaws that be coming when you grow up like that |
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When you been racing them rats, you ain't been making them raps |
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Boo hoo what a hard*************p |
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How you paid to get the rap *************t started? |
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Man, my Bar Mitzvah money |
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But don't diss me buddy, I wasn't one of them younguns up on the block who had nothing to lose |
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I must've wanted this a lot, I had something to choose |
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Look at that, I can say there's something to prove up in your ass |
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Yeah, I guess |
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That's enough of the past, what makes you want to do rap? |
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Oh my god, it's the best |
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******* let me draw up on their breasts |
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Literally I can reinvent myself |
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I get a forum to project myself |
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It's never boring, every morning I wake up and try to best myself |
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I never got to be suppressed or stealthy to express myself |
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It's kinda healthy |
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Cool, now let me put you through a couple hypotheticals |
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Sure |
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In a club and a couple *************s threaten you |
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Uh, I wouldn't do *************t |
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And I don't even get what that got to do with this? |
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Shut the ************* up, rap's like life |
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If you wanna do this, then you won't get far acting like a little ************* |
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Nah, that's my niche! |
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Don't get offended by this, but that's the market y'all missed |
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That's the target I'll hit |
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And that's the heart of my pitch |
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I wanna do this whole thing different |
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What the ************* you mean you wanna do the whole thing different? |
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Uh, you know, I-I think, like, you know |
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Traditionally people have been doing the job, uh you know, the same kind of way for a long time |
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But traditionally speaking, this *************t works, right? |
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Nah, like, I get that, but I-I just think that, you know |
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You don't know if it could be working even better |
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And I think you should look at me as an opportunity to find that out |
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I don't mean any disrespect by that |
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I'm just saying I have a different background |
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Like a different perspective way of looking at things than your typical applicant |
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So what are your biggest strengths? |
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Well my flow is crazy, I can switch that amazing |
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For example, I can be like ain't nobody ******g with Lil *************y |
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When he get up on that *************t and spit it sick and ridiculous |
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Ripping this *************t like it's never been did and the rhythm is never predictable |
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Cause I can switch it, deliver this *************t in whatever cadence you ******* prefer |
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Alright, alright, I get it |
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Top of that, lyrically I'm pretty damn clever (Go) |
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Got a long bottom *************, called a hoe Neville (Whoa) |
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And I blow it from the jump, Derrick Rose knee (Oh) |
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You can say I'm pretty smart how I know better |
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And y'all been winning like Pistorius, it's no feat |
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Bro, I can go on and on |
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I'm taking over and they mad like father-in-laws |
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OK enough of the punchline, that ain't showing me you different than the other guys |
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Well I don't know if they can run it like that |
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But ain't nobody else doing funny type rap |
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What's that? |
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Well I can tell a story about my morning |
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Watching Boy Meets World and jerking off to Topanga Lawrence |
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Like the 14 year old Topanga |
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Oh this *************t like a joke to you? I don't get it |
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Nah it ain't like that |
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I just happen to be a nutty abundantly funny type of individual, like, as a guy |
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So when I get up on the mic I ain't finna just lie |
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Real recognize real, right? |
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Yeah, I guess. So what you trying to do? |
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Five years from now, tell me bout the due |
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Well, I don't care about the money |
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Like, it's the respect that I'm wanting |
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Honestly, I just want to be one of the greats |
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Where they gotta bring your boy up every debate |
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I don't wanna leave the game the same |
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In a nutshell, what's your legacy? |
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Well, I wanna be the dude that came in and made the stand-up rap |
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Put the random rap in demand like that for the people that was anti-rap |
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Yet, the fans of rap start to recognize that anti-rap is ironically one of the real brands of rap left |
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That *************t sound pretty damn complex |
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I guess, I wanna be the best |
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I just wanna do it my way |
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And turn the whole game sideways |
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And show people you ain't gotta be resigned to the highway |
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You can make a path while these mother*******s drive straight |
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I ain't mad at that |
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Well thanks, man, that's my plan of my attack |
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Just let me in and I'mma rap the plaques |
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And I ain't about to win them back to back |
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I'm bout to win them like it's back to back to back to back to back |
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Til I stop rapping |
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You ain't even sold a damn album yet |
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True |
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That's a lot of talk from a wily vet |
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Let alone a young rook ************* |
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You misread me |
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Nah this ain't a book ************* |
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Well that's one of my flaws, I'm too competitive dawg |
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No, you just ******g repetitive dawg |
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I get it, you trying to be better than all, but you ain't *************t until cheddars involved |
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I get that I gotta prove myself |
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No *************t you ain't done *************t |
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But think about that though |
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Only doing this a couple of years |
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One tape and I'm like this? |
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This *************t is aight for your first *************t |
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But you don't know if it's your worst *************t |
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You don't think finding out would be worth it? |
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It might be, it might not |
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But I'mma put your ass to work, kid |
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Wait, like, like I have the job? Like really? |
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Well one more thing, let me see if you could put a hook together |
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What would you do for the hook for this song? |
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You want me to make a hook up right now? |
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Do I look like the type of ************* that like repeating himself? |
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Alright, uh, okay |
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Man do the hook! |
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I'm bout to be professional |
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Homie, I'm professional |
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Uh, maybe like a low voice type thing? |
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*************, that *************t is garbage man |
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Well, you know, I feel like there might have been some upside to it |
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But I'm not good at thinking of things on the spot like that |
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Don't y'all normally like outsource for that kind of thing sometimes? |
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Sometimes, but you know, that was some next level Dogg *************t right there |
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Yeah, you know, I'm just way better when I get to think things through |
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Have my like that dual screen action that type of thing |
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Whatever man, you trying to smoke a blunt? |
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Right now? |
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Yeah |
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Sure |
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****. Juanita, bring some ****** in here, please. Thank you |
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You got it, Snoop. I'll be right there |
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Thanks, Juanita. Super nice woman |
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*************, why does everything you say sound so soft? |
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Uh, I really don't wanna be spoken to like that, so… |
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Yeah, whatever. Thanks |
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Hey, I got y'all y'all ****** |
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Damn, that's some great looking ******. It's just so early |
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Can I get you guys anything else while I'm here? Coffee? Tea? Head? Bottled water? |
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D-Did you just say head? |
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Yeah. You ain't never got no head before? |
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I mean… Just feels like… A lot, right now |
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OK |
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But what kind of tea do you guys have? |
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We got mint, raspberry, earl grey, English breakfast… |
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Actually, I'll take head |
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I knew your little dirty ass wanted some head |
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