| 说段单口相声,单口相声的新段子很少,我们自己想编,在写作上又不行。实不瞒您说,我是解放以后才学习文化,解放以前是个半文盲。怎么叫半文盲呢?书报杂志我也看,也能看下来,反正有蒙对了的时候,蒙不对的时候多! | |
| 怎么叫蒙哪?比如说,我看书看报有几个不认得的字,看看上面的字,再瞧瞧下面的字,一琢磨这几个字,大概差不多了,也就蒙下来了。还有一个办法,就是我瞧这个字象什么模样,我就念什么。过去,人家都管我叫别字先生。有时候念着念着自己都乐了。怎么?不能不乐呀。过去那“邮政局”,我念“垂政局”,您就知道我这学问怎么样了。“北大医院”,我念“此大酱碗”!这就是我的学问,一念就把人念乐了。鲜货店门口贴着个红纸条子,四个字:“糖炒栗子”,这“栗”字,我不认识,站在那儿我还念哪,念就念得了呗,我还念出声来： | |
| “糖炒‘票’子!” | |
| 哎,那能吃吗?您说,旁边的人能不乐吗?非把人念乐了不可!人家乐了,我也乐了。 | |
| 过去我就是别字先生。过去我究竟念过书没有?也念过几天,可不是在学校里念的,也不是在私塾里念的,我是跟我一个亲戚念的。什么亲戚呢？是我叔伯二大爷。我这“此大酱碗”就是打我二大爷那儿来的。怎么哪？再清代给皇上治病的地方不是叫太医院吗，“太医院”那仨字，他就念“大酱碗”，所以我这“此大酱碗”就是得他的真传。他念别字念得比我可乐，有过这么一个笑话。 | |
| 在旧社会,北京有个大财主,这家儿姓潘,家里死了人,要请一位读祭文的先生。这家儿也是倒霉催的,应当是请老秀才、举人、翰林老夫子啊,也不知道是谁出的主意,把我那位二大爷——“大酱碗”——给弄去了。这下儿漏子了,他给读祭文,那还好得了哇!往棺材前头一站,捧着这个祭文,在他眼前跪着两个人,这边儿跪着的是那个孝子,那边跪着的是孝妇。家里有钱是财主啊,两个用人搀着孝子,两个老妈子搀着孝妇,他站在那儿就念这个祭文： | |
| “孤哀子……” | |
| 什么叫孤哀子哪?古时候,父丧为孤,母丧为哀,父母俱丧称为孤哀子,孤哀子就是那个孝子。这孝子叫什么名字呢?姓播,名叫良显,“云苏潘葛”的潘,良就是优良的良,显就是显耀的显。潘良显,这仨字,叫我二大爷一念好了,仨字儿没多错,错了一对儿半! | |
| “孤哀子……翻跟头!” | |
| 翻跟头?这个“潘”哪,他给念成“翻”了,优良的“良”,他给念成跟头的“跟”了,显耀的“显”,他给念成“头”了。 | |
| “孤哀子——翻跟头!” | |
| 这孝子一听也纳闷儿了,心说：这叫什么规矩啊?我爸爸死了,我翻跟头干什么?这叫什么事啊!这是谁请的这么一位先生?孝子跪在那儿直运气。 | |
| 我二大爷念到这儿还不念了,瞧着!这工夫,旁边儿这两个用人说话了,叫孝子： | |
| “少爷,少爷,您听见了吗?先生叫您翻跟头哪!您快翻吧!” | |
| 孝子一听这话,鼻子差点儿没气歪喽： | |
| “废话!我爸爸死了,我翻跟头干什么?” | |
| “那……那不是,先生叫您翻的吗!” | |
| “胡说八道,我翻不过去。” | |
| “这不要紧,翻不过去我们帮您翻,来!翻哪!” | |
| 两人一掀,给翻过来啦!孝子这个气呀,翻过来又跪在那儿了。我二大爷接碴儿往下念： | |
| “孝妇……” | |
| 这个孝妇,娘家姓“乜”,“曾母沙乜”的那个“乜”,就是之乎者也的“也”字短中间那一小坚。他这一念热闹了； | |
| “孤哀子——翻跟头!” | |
| 用人一掀,孝子翻过去了。 | |
| “孝妇——也氏！” | |
| 孝妇一听“也是”： | |
| “噢，我也得翻哪？！” |
| shuo duan dan kou xiang sheng, dan kou xiang sheng de xin duan zi hen shao, wo men zi ji xiang bian, zai xie zuo shang you bu xing. shi bu man nin shuo, wo shi jie fang yi hou cai xue xi wen hua, jie fang yi qian shi ge ban wen mang. zen me jiao ban wen mang ne? shu bao za zhi wo ye kan, ye neng kan xia lai, fan zheng you meng dui le de shi hou, meng bu dui de shi hou duo! | |
| zen me jiao meng na? bi ru shuo, wo kan shu kan bao you ji ge bu ren de de zi, kan kan shang mian di zi, zai qiao qiao xia mian di zi, yi zuo mo zhe ji ge zi, da gai cha bu duo le, ye jiu meng xia lai le. hai you yi ge ban fa, jiu shi wo qiao zhe ge zi xiang shen me mu yang, wo jiu nian shen me. guo qu, ren jia dou guan wo jiao bie zi xian sheng. you shi hou nian zhe nian zhe zi ji dou le le. zen me? bu neng bu le ya. guo qu na" you zheng ju", wo nian" chui zheng ju", nin jiu zhi dao wo zhe xue wen zen me yang le." bei da yi yuan", wo nian" ci da jiang wan"! zhe jiu shi wo de xue wen, yi nian jiu ba ren nian le le. xian huo dian men kou tie zhe ge hong zhi tiao zi, si ge zi:" tang chao li zi", zhe" li" zi, wo bu ren shi, zhan zai na r wo hai nian na, nian jiu nian de le bei, wo hai nian chu sheng lai: | |
| " tang chao' piao' zi!" | |
| ai, na neng chi ma? nin shuo, pang bian de ren neng bu le ma? fei ba ren nian le liao bu ke! ren jia le le, wo ye le le. | |
| guo qu wo jiu shi bie zi xian sheng. guo qu wo jiu jing nian guo shu mei you? ye nian guo ji tian, ke bu shi zai xue xiao li nian de, ye bu shi zai si shu li nian de, wo shi gen wo yi ge qin qi nian de. shen me qin qi ne? shi wo shu bo er da ye. wo zhe" ci da jiang wan" jiu shi da wo er da ye na er lai de. zen me na? zai qing dai gei huang shang zhi bing de di fang bu shi jiao tai yi yuan ma," tai yi yuan" na sa zi, ta jiu nian" da jiang wan", suo yi wo zhe" ci da jiang wan" jiu shi de ta di zhen chuan. ta nian bie zi nian de bi wo ke le, you guo zhe me yi ge xiao hua. | |
| zai jiu she hui, bei jing you ge da cai zhu, zhe jia er xing pan, jia li si le ren, yao qing yi wei du ji wen de xian sheng. zhe jia er ye shi dao mei cui de, ying dang shi qing lao xiu cai ju ren han lin lao fu zi a, ye bu zhi dao shi shui chu de zhu yi, ba wo na wei er da ye" da jiang wan" gei nong qu le. zhe xia er lou zi le, ta gei du ji wen, na hai hao de le wa! wang guan cai qian tou yi zhan, peng zhe zhe ge ji wen, zai ta yan qian gui zhe liang ge ren, zhe bian r gui zhe de shi na ge xiao zi, na bian gui zhe de shi xiao fu. jia li you qian shi cai zhu a, liang ge yong ren chan zhe xiao zi, liang ge lao ma zi chan zhe xiao fu, ta zhan zai na r jiu nian zhe ge ji wen: | |
| " gu ai zi" | |
| shen me jiao gu ai zi na? gu shi hou, fu sang wei gu, mu sang wei ai, fu mu ju sang cheng wei gu ai zi, gu ai zi jiu shi na ge xiao zi. zhe xiao zi jiao shen me ming zi ne? xing bo, ming jiao liang xian," yun su pan ge" de pan, liang jiu shi you liang de liang, xian jiu shi xian yao de xian. pan liang xian, zhe sa zi, jiao wo er da ye yi nian hao le, sa zi er mei duo cuo, cuo le yi dui r ban! | |
| " gu ai zi fan gen tou!" | |
| fan gen tou? zhe ge" pan" na, ta gei nian cheng" fan" le, you liang de" liang", ta gei nian cheng gen tou de" gen" le, xian yao de" xian", ta gei nian cheng" tou" le. | |
| " gu ai zi fan gen tou!" | |
| zhe xiao zi yi ting ye na men er le, xin shuo: zhe jiao shen me gui ju a? wo ba ba si le, wo fan gen tou gan shen me? zhe jiao shen me shi a! zhe shi shui qing de zhe me yi wei xian sheng? xiao zi gui zai na r zhi yun qi. | |
| wo er da ye nian dao zhe er hai bu nian le, qiao zhe! zhe gong fu, pang bian r zhe liang ge yong ren shuo hua le, jiao xiao zi: | |
| " shao ye, shao ye, nin ting jian le ma? xian sheng jiao nin fan gen tou na! nin kuai fan ba!" | |
| xiao zi yi ting zhe hua, bi zi cha dian er mei qi wai lou: | |
| " fei hua! wo ba ba si le, wo fan gen tou gan shen me?" | |
| " na na bu shi, xian sheng jiao nin fan de ma!" | |
| " hu shuo ba dao, wo fan bu guo qu." | |
| " zhe bu yao jin, fan bu guo qu wo men bang nin fan, lai! fan na!" | |
| liang ren yi xian, gei fan guo lai la! xiao zi zhe ge qi ya, fan guo lai you gui zai na r le. wo er da ye jie cha er wang xia nian: | |
| " xiao fu" | |
| zhe ge xiao fu, niang jia xing" mie"," ceng mu sha mie" de na ge" mie", jiu shi zhi hu zhe ye de" ye" zi duan zhong jian na yi xiao jian. ta zhe yi nian re nao le | |
| " gu ai zi fan gen tou!" | |
| yong ren yi xian, xiao zi fan guo qu le. | |
| " xiao fu ye shi!" | |
| xiao fu yi ting" ye shi": | |
| " o, wo ye de fan na?!" |
| shuō duàn dān kǒu xiàng sheng, dān kǒu xiàng sheng de xīn duàn zǐ hěn shǎo, wǒ men zì jǐ xiǎng biān, zài xiě zuò shàng yòu bù xíng. shí bù mán nín shuō, wǒ shì jiě fàng yǐ hòu cái xué xí wén huà, jiě fàng yǐ qián shì gè bàn wén máng. zěn me jiào bàn wén máng ne? shū bào zá zhì wǒ yě kàn, yě néng kàn xià lái, fǎn zhèng yǒu méng duì le de shí hòu, méng bú duì de shí hòu duō! | |
| zěn me jiào méng nǎ? bǐ rú shuō, wǒ kàn shū kàn bào yǒu jǐ gè bù rèn de de zì, kàn kàn shàng miàn dí zì, zài qiáo qiáo xià miàn dí zì, yī zuó mo zhè jǐ gè zì, dà gài chà bù duō le, yě jiù méng xià lái le. hái yǒu yí gè bàn fǎ, jiù shì wǒ qiáo zhè gè zì xiàng shén me mú yàng, wǒ jiù niàn shén me. guò qù, rén jiā dōu guǎn wǒ jiào bié zì xiān shēng. yǒu shí hou niàn zhe niàn zhe zì jǐ dōu lè le. zěn me? bù néng bù lè ya. guò qù nà" yóu zhèng jú", wǒ niàn" chuí zhèng jú", nín jiù zhī dào wǒ zhè xué wèn zěn me yàng le." běi dà yī yuàn", wǒ niàn" cǐ dà jiàng wǎn"! zhè jiù shì wǒ de xué wèn, yī niàn jiù bǎ rén niàn lè le. xiān huò diàn mén kǒu tiē zhe gè hóng zhǐ tiáo zi, sì gè zì:" táng chǎo lì zi", zhè" lì" zì, wǒ bù rèn shi, zhàn zài na r wǒ hái niàn nǎ, niàn jiù niàn dé le bei, wǒ hái niàn chū shēng lái: | |
| " táng chǎo' piào' zi!" | |
| āi, nà néng chī ma? nín shuō, páng biān de rén néng bù lè ma? fēi bǎ rén niàn lè liǎo bù kě! rén jiā lè le, wǒ yě lè le. | |
| guò qù wǒ jiù shì bié zì xiān shēng. guò qù wǒ jiū jìng niàn guò shū méi yǒu? yě niàn guò jǐ tiān, kě bú shì zài xué xiào lǐ niàn de, yě bú shì zài sī shú lǐ niàn de, wǒ shì gēn wǒ yí gè qīn qī niàn de. shén me qīn qī ne? shì wǒ shū bó èr dà yé. wǒ zhè" cǐ dà jiàng wǎn" jiù shì dǎ wǒ èr dà yé nà ér lái de. zěn me nǎ? zài qīng dài gěi huáng shàng zhì bìng de dì fāng bú shì jiào tài yī yuàn ma," tài yī yuàn" nà sā zì, tā jiù niàn" dà jiàng wǎn", suǒ yǐ wǒ zhè" cǐ dà jiàng wǎn" jiù shì de tā dí zhēn chuán. tā niàn bié zì niàn dé bǐ wǒ kě lè, yǒu guò zhè me yí gè xiào huà. | |
| zài jiù shè huì, běi jīng yǒu gè dà cái zhǔ, zhè jiā ér xìng pān, jiā lǐ sǐ le rén, yào qǐng yī wèi dú jì wén de xiān shēng. zhè jiā ér yě shì dǎo méi cuī de, yīng dàng shì qǐng lǎo xiù cái jǔ rén hàn lín lǎo fū zǐ a, yě bù zhī dào shì shuí chū de zhǔ yì, bǎ wǒ nà wèi èr dà yé" dà jiàng wǎn" gěi nòng qù le. zhè xià ér lòu zǐ le, tā gěi dú jì wén, nà hái hǎo dé le wa! wǎng guān cái qián tou yī zhàn, pěng zhe zhè gè jì wén, zài tā yǎn qián guì zhe liǎng gè rén, zhè biān r guì zhe de shì nà gè xiào zǐ, nà biān guì zhe de shì xiào fù. jiā lǐ yǒu qián shì cái zhǔ a, liǎng gè yòng rén chān zhe xiào zǐ, liǎng gè lǎo mā zǐ chān zhe xiào fù, tā zhàn zài na r jiù niàn zhè gè jì wén: | |
| " gū āi zǐ" | |
| shén me jiào gū āi zǐ nǎ? gǔ shí hòu, fù sāng wèi gū, mǔ sāng wèi āi, fù mǔ jù sàng chēng wéi gū āi zǐ, gū āi zǐ jiù shì nà gè xiào zǐ. zhè xiào zǐ jiào shén me míng zì ne? xìng bō, míng jiào liáng xiǎn," yún sū pān gé" de pān, liáng jiù shì yōu liáng de liáng, xiǎn jiù shì xiǎn yào de xiǎn. pān liáng xiǎn, zhè sā zì, jiào wǒ èr dà yé yī niàn hǎo le, sā zì ér méi duō cuò, cuò le yī duì r bàn! | |
| " gū āi zǐ fān gēn tou!" | |
| fān gēn tou? zhè gè" pān" nǎ, tā gěi niàn chéng" fān" le, yōu liáng de" liáng", tā gěi niàn chéng gēn tou de" gēn" le, xiǎn yào de" xiǎn", tā gěi niàn chéng" tóu" le. | |
| " gū āi zǐ fān gēn tou!" | |
| zhè xiào zǐ yī tīng yě nà mèn ér le, xīn shuō: zhè jiào shén me guī jǔ a? wǒ bà bà sǐ le, wǒ fān gēn tou gàn shén me? zhè jiào shén me shì a! zhè shì shuí qǐng de zhè me yī wèi xiān shēng? xiào zǐ guì zài na r zhí yùn qì. | |
| wǒ èr dà yé niàn dào zhè ér hái bù niàn le, qiáo zhe! zhè gōng fū, páng biān r zhè liǎng gè yòng rén shuō huà le, jiào xiào zǐ: | |
| " shào yé, shào yé, nín tīng jiàn le ma? xiān shēng jiào nín fān gēn tou nǎ! nín kuài fān ba!" | |
| xiào zǐ yī tīng zhè huà, bí zi chà diǎn ér méi qì wāi lóu: | |
| " fèi huà! wǒ bà bà sǐ le, wǒ fān gēn tou gàn shén me?" | |
| " nà nà bú shì, xiān shēng jiào nín fān de ma!" | |
| " hú shuō bā dào, wǒ fān bù guò qù." | |
| " zhè bú yào jǐn, fān bù guò qù wǒ men bāng nín fān, lái! fān nǎ!" | |
| liǎng rén yī xiān, gěi fān guò lái la! xiào zǐ zhè gè qì ya, fān guò lái yòu guì zài na r le. wǒ èr dà yé jiē chá ér wǎng xià niàn: | |
| " xiào fù" | |
| zhè gè xiào fù, niáng jia xìng" miē"," céng mǔ shā miē" de nà gè" miē", jiù shì zhī hū zhě yě de" yě" zì duǎn zhōng jiān nà yī xiǎo jiān. tā zhè yī niàn rè nào le | |
| " gū āi zǐ fān gēn tou!" | |
| yòng rén yī xiān, xiào zǐ fān guò qù le. | |
| " xiào fù yě shì!" | |
| xiào fù yī tīng" yě shì": | |
| " ō, wǒ yě de fān nǎ?!" |
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