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I have a good friend who I talk to a lot |
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About books or movies or whatever's hot, |
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But lately she tells me that she'd rather not, |
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Just because she ain't seen 'em when I spill the plot. |
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She says, |
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"Spoiler Alert, Spoiler Alert, |
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Like too much asparagus spoils your dessert, |
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I want to discover this stuff by myself, |
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I had no idea Mr. Smith was an elf." |
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And he and Frodo jump into the Matrix, and meet Dumbledore the White, |
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And this really hot babe named Trinity, who fights vampires with Wesley Snipes. |
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Or Wolverine -- I can never keep those two straight.... |
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It isn't my fault I read faster than she, |
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Or catch all the previews they show on TV, |
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Or download the movies so fast the cops blanch |
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Or hack the computers at Skywalker Ranch. |
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Okay, that one might be a little my fault. |
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She says, |
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"Spoiler alert, spoiler alert, |
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Sit down and shut up or you're gonna get hurt, |
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I want to discover this stuff on my own, |
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And it's hard to strangle you over the phone." |
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Leia's his sister, and Vader's his dad, |
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What could I have said that would make her so mad? |
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Norman Bates' mom is dead, Bruce Willis is a ghost, |
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And Jesus comes back three days after he's toast. |
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One day she came over, grinning with glee, |
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And said "Now you'll know how it feels to be me, |
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I have here the pictures, the scripts and the proof, |
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King Kong beats Godzilla, and that is the truth. |
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And then Kong takes a grappling gun, |
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And he shoots it up at the International Space Station, |
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And he climbs up there, and he's waving his arms around, bellowing, |
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And he's holding either Milla Jovavich, Tea Leoni, or Paris Hilton in a skintight body suit |
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(Although it's airless space so you can't actually hear him bellowing, |
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And she's s'damn skinny you can't tell it's skintight). |
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And then Richard Hatch comes -- |
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Not the Survivor guy but the good one -- |
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And he and Starbucks offer Kong some Mocha Chocalatta Ya Ya, |
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Which Kong bats away with one swipe of his mighty paw, |
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And so they send up their ancient biplane Tie fighters |
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(Which don't have computers so the Vorlons can't control them), |
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And they shoot him down and he falls all the way to earth, lands on top of a Zippo lighter factory, |
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And Jack Black looks down and says, |
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'It was Butane killed the beast'." |
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Spoiler Alert, Spoiler Alert, |
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I was wrong, I'm sorry, check out my hair shirt. |
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I finally get it, I want to stay friends, |
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And so I'm not telling you how this song. |
