| [1st verse:] |
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I hate to brag about my fam'ly but I must say that |
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My father is the greatest man who ever wore a hat |
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He always took things easy in an easy sort of way |
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And when it came to taking things, just kindly let me say |
| [1st chorus:] |
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No one could do it like my father! |
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Ever clever, stunning, cunning father! |
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Other men might do the same |
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But when it came to make a name |
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No one could do it like my dad! |
| [2nd verse:] |
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At keeping servant girls, my father always was an ace! |
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He had a certain way to keep the ladies in their place |
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Their place was in the kitchen and his place to keep them there |
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I don't know how he did it but I really must declare |
| [2nd chorus:] |
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No one could do it like my father |
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Ever clever, stunning, cunning father |
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Servants liked the cops, of course |
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So father joined the police force |
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No one could do it like my dad |
| [3rd verse:] |
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One night papa went in to see that great Salome dance |
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You talk about attention, say! he gave her ev'ry glance |
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He has my mother dancing now, her brain is in a whirl |
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And only here last week he came home with a string of pearls |
| [3rd chorus:] |
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No one could do it like my father |
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Ever clever, stunning, cunning father |
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Now he always stays at home |
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Mama has learned that dance Salome |
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No one could do it like my dad |
| [4th verse:] |
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My mother weighs three hundred pounds but don't give it away |
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She bought a brand new sheath gown and she wore it yesterday |
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My father showed his dignity when mother showed her sock |
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Then just to make the two ends meet he used a big padlock |
| [4th chorus:] |
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No one could do it like my father |
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Ever clever, stunning, cunning father |
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Neighbor Jones and his neighbor Lee |
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Are hunting for my father's key |
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And no one could do it like my dad |
| [5th verse:] |
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I haven't told you how my father and my mother wed |
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She was an old maid, he a burglar underneath her bed |
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She flashed a gun at father and said, "I must be your wife" |
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My father wears a medal now for saving someone's life |
| [5th chorus:] |
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No one could do it like my father |
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Ever clever, stunning, cunning father |
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Mother thinks a lot of pa |
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But father drinks to think of ma |
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And no one could do it like my dad |
| [6th chorus:] |
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The other night when pa came home, he found to his surprise |
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The iceman and my mother on the sofa making eyes |
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He did not get excited, no! not one word did he say |
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But when the iceman's bill came due, papa refused to pay |
| [6th chorus:] |
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No one could do it like my father |
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Ever clever, stunning, cunning father |
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Father proved he was no slouch |
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He fooled them all when he sold the couch |
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And no one could do it like my dad |
| [7th verse:] |
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When father went to school they tell me he was very bad |
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They also say he had a purpose to make teacher mad |
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She'd make him stay in after school and pa would ne'er refuse |
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For when it came to helping teacher tie her dainty shoes: |
| [7th chorus:] |
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No one could do it like my father |
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Ever clever, stunning, cunning father |
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Teacher knew a thing or two |
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She always wore a low cut shoe |
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No one could do it like my dad |
| [8th verse:] |
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We lived right by a railway station not so far from here |
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And father would make faces at the passing engineers |
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They'd all throw coal at father, yes they would upon my soul |
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And when the winter came around we never needed coal |
| [8th chorus:] |
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No one could do it like my father |
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Ever clever, stunning, cunning father |
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First he got coal one by one |
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And now he sells it by the ton |
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And no one could do it like my dad |
| [9th verse:] |
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Around election time my father never knows his name |
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Sometimes it's Breen, or Smith, or Green, Gilhouley or McShane |
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Then other times it's Harrigan, O'Connor, or O'Dell |
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They ought to call him "Winchester" 'cause he repeats so well |
| [9th chorus:] |
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No one could do it like my father |
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Ever clever, stunning, cunning father |
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When you see him change his coat |
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You know that means another vote |
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And no one could do it like my dad |
