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(Riki) |
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I got a problem and I can't contain it |
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I'll use my icky sticky rhymes to help explain it |
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Handy Js are like Stonehenge to me |
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Robert Stack can't even help me unsolve this mystery |
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(Kate) |
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I'm the messed up child of a baby boomer |
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I was in the gifted class but a total late bloomer |
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Now I got a secret to get off my chest |
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Went from kissing to sex but never learned the rest |
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(Riki) |
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In high school, I was in the marching band |
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Not learning what to do with my hand |
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While other girls were dripping like a Jackson Pollock |
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I blossomed later than Mayim Bialik |
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(Kate) |
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I'm investigating bones like Deschanel |
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Trying to make it stand up like Dave Chapelle |
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When I stare down the barrel of a semi-hard dick |
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I feel more singled out than Chris Hardwick |
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(Riki) |
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I studied Bach, Jacques Chirac, and Isaac Asimov |
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But I wasn't on the ski bus jerking people off |
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Wouldn't let you touch my chest like you're Vapo rubbing Vicks in |
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Let alone deep throat your Tricky Dick Nixon |
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(Kate) |
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I wanna learn how to make your Watergates flow |
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I'm resigned like Spiro Agnew that I might never know |
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How to HJ your LB Johnson |
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Know less about dicks than Samantha Ronson |
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(Riki) |
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I should have explored New Frontiers like Wil Wheaton |
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But I was more conservative than Alex P. Keaton |
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I've fallen into crisis just like the Dow |
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I wanna give a handjob but I don't know how |
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Hand job, Bland job |
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I-Don't-Understand job |
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Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top? |
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How can I learn when you always make me stop? |
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(Kate) |
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Now I'm on a full-blown investigation |
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To unlock the secrets of ejaculation |
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I need a translator like I'm reading Balzac |
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To crack the Rosetta Stone over your ball sack |
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(Riki) |
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The top is the part that confuses me the most |
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It looks like a Silly Putty Pac Man ghost |
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Sometimes it's jello jiggling, sometimes it's denser |
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But they all look like a Darth Vader Pez dispenser |
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(Kate) |
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Like Sam Jackson, I'm not as good with Shaft |
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When it's soft and flabby like President Taft |
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It's like a deep south queen that you wanna make straight |
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Will I make it upright if I move it like a Shake Weight? |
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Move it like a Shake Weight |
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Move it like a Shake Weight |
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(Riki) |
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I'm pumping like breaks that aren't anti-lock |
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Trying not to go psycho on your Alfred Hitchcock |
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I go a little faster and then I retard |
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It's like a hamster that you don't wanna squeeze too hard |
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(Kate) |
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I'm working my hand 'til it gets arthritis |
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I'll be holdin' 'til I get the Golden Touch of Midas |
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"I think, therefore I am"; getting my Descartes on |
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'Til I fully comprehend your Marcia Gay Hard-on |
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(Riki) |
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But the biggest, throbbing question all's |
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Seriously, what do you do with the balls? |
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Do I roll 'em like dice, do I mold them like clay |
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Do I tickle them like Elmo, or throw 'em like a partay? |
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(Kate) |
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Do I move 'em all around or cup it slow? |
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It's like the two bald critic puppets from the Muppet show |
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Just sitting there cranky and superfluous |
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How 'bout I don't touch them unless you insist? |
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Hand job, Bland job |
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I-Don't-Understand job |
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Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top? |
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How can I learn when you always make me stop? |
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How can I learn when you always make me stop? |