Song | Albuquerque |
Artist | Weird Al Yankovic |
Album | The Essential |
Here are the actual song lyrics. | |
Note:lyrics in italics denote lyrics that were sung. | |
Lyrics: | |
Way back when i was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from jerry's bait shop | |
You know the place | |
Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy | |
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning | |
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast | |
Awww - big bowl of sauerkraut | |
Every single mornin | |
It wa driving me crazy | |
I said to my mom | |
I said 'hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?' | |
And my dear, sweet mother | |
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train | |
And she leaned right down next to me | |
And she said 'it's good for you' | |
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth | |
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until i was twenty six and a half years old | |
That's when i swore that someday | |
Someday i would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place | |
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer | |
And the towels are oh so fluffy | |
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long | |
And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel | |
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah | |
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true | |
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest | |
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in leonard nimoy's butt | |
I was off by three, but i still won the grand prize | |
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to | |
Albuquerque | |
Albuquerque | |
Oh yeah | |
You know, i'd never been on a real airplane before | |
And i gotta tell ya, it was really great | |
Except that i had to sit between two large albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor | |
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time | |
The flight attendants ran out of dr. pepper and salted peanuts | |
And the in-flight movie was bio-dome with pauly shore | |
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out | |
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside | |
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died | |
Except for me | |
You know why? | |
'cause i had my tray table up | |
And my seat back in the full upright position | |
Had my tray table up | |
And my seat back in the full upright position | |
Had my tray table up | |
And my seat back in the full upright position | |
Ah ha ha ha | |
Ah ha ha | |
Ahhhh | |
So i crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage | |
I crawled on my hands and kneew for three full days | |
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag | |
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball | |
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel | |
But finally i arived at the world famous albuquerque holiday inn | |
Where the towels are oh so fluffy | |
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna | |
It's ok, they're clean | |
Well, i checked into my room and i turned down the a/c | |
And i turned on the spectravision | |
And i'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow | |
That i love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door | |
Well now, who could that be? | |
I say 'who is it?' | |
No answer | |
'who is it?' | |
There's no answer | |
'who is it?' | |
They're not sayin' anything | |
So, finally i go over and i open the door and just as i suspected | |
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a flock-of-seagulls haircut and only one nostril | |
Oh man, i hate it when i'm right | |
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel | |
And i'm like 'hey, you can't have that' | |
'that snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me' | |
And he's like 'tough' | |
And i'm like 'give it' | |
And he's like 'make me' | |
And i'm like ''kay' | |
So i grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus | |
And i bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows | |
And i took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation | |
Yes indeed, you better believe it | |
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook | |
And twenty seconds later, i heard a farmiliar voice | |
And you know what it said? | |
I'll tell you what it said | |
It said | |
'if you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again' | |
'if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator' | |
'if you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again' | |
'if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator' | |
In albuquerque | |
Albuquerque | |
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel | |
But i made a a solemn vow right then and there that i would not rest | |
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice | |
But first, i decided to buy some donuts | |
So i got in my car and i drove over to the donut shop | |
And i walked on up to the guy behind the counter | |
And he says 'yeah, what do ya want?' | |
I said 'you got any glazed donuts?' | |
He said 'no, we're outta glazed donuts' | |
I said 'you got any jelly donuts?' | |
He said 'no, we're outta jelly donuts' | |
I said 'you got any bavarian cream-filled donuts?' | |
He said 'no, we're outta bavarian cream-filled donuts' | |
I said 'you got any cinnamon rolls?' | |
He said 'no, we're outta cinnamon rolls' | |
I said 'you got any apple fritters?' | |
He said 'no, we're outta apple fritters' | |
I said 'you got any bear claws?' | |
He said 'wait a minute, i'll go check' | |
'no, we're outta bear claws' | |
I said 'well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?' | |
He says 'all i got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels' | |
I said 'ok, i'll take that' | |
So he hands me the box and i open up the lid and the weasels jump out | |
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over | |
(rabid gnawing sounds) | |
Oh man, they were just going nuts | |
They were tearin' me apart | |
You know, i think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head' | |
I believe it went a little something like this . . . | |
Doh | |
Get 'em off me | |
Get 'em off me | |
Oh | |
No, get 'em off, get 'em off | |
Oh, oh god, oh god | |
Oh, get 'em off me | |
Oh, oh god | |
Ah, (more screaming) | |
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face | |
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' | |
Like a constipated weiner dog | |
And as luck wouls have it, that's exactly when i ran into the girl of my dreams | |
Her name was zelda | |
She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches | |
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me. | |
She said 'hey, you've got weasels on your face' | |
That's when i knew it was true love | |
We were inseperable after that | |
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together | |
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss | |
The world was our burrito | |
So we got married and we bought us a house | |
And had two beautiful children - nathaniel and superfly | |
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah | |
But then one fateful night, zelda said to me | |
She said 'sweetie pumpkin? do you wanna join the columbia record club?' | |
I said 'woah, hold on now, baby' | |
'i'm just not ready for that kinda commitment' | |
So we broke up and i never saw her again | |
But that's just the way things go | |
In albuquerque | |
Albuquerque | |
Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me | |
Because about a week later, i finally achieved my lifelong dream | |
That's right, i got me a part-time job at the sizzler | |
I even made employee of the month after i put that grease fire out with my face | |
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that | |
I was gettin' a lot of attitude | |
Ok, like one time, i was out in the parking lot | |
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil | |
When i see this guy marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself | |
So i, i say to him, i say 'hey, you want me to help you with that?' | |
And marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes | |
'no, i want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw' | |
So i did | |
And then he gets all indignant on me | |
He's like 'hey man, i was just being sarcastic' | |
Well, that's just great | |
How was i supposed to know that? | |
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud | |
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - torso-boy | |
So what's he complaining about? | |
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote | |
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bit in three days | |
Well, i knew what he meant | |
But just to be funny, i took a big bite out of his jugular vein | |
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over | |
And i'm like 'hey, come on, don'tcha get it?' | |
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming | |
(screaming sounds) | |
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation | |
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know? | |
Anyway, um, um, where was i? | |
Kinda lost my train of thought | |
Uh, well, uh, ok | |
Anyway i, i know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it | |
But i guess the whole point i'm tryin' to make here is | |
I hate sauerkraut | |
That's all i'm really tryin' to say | |
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up | |
And find yourself in an existential quandry | |
Full of loathing and self-doubt | |
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence | |
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that | |
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours | |
There's still a little place called | |
Albuquerque | |
Albuquerque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque | |
I said 'a' (a) | |
'l' (l) | |
'b' (b) | |
'u' (u) | |
'querque' (querque) | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque | |
Albuquerque | |
(belch) | |
Here are the lyrics from the album booklet. | |
Note: the following lyrics are type exactly as they appear in the booklet. | |
Lyrics: | |
Way back when i was just a little bitty boy | |
Living in a box under the stairs in a corner of | |
The basement of the house half a block down | |
The street from jerr's bait shop... you know | |
The place... well anyway, back then life was | |
Going swell and everything was juuuuust | |
Peachy... except of course for the undeniable | |
Fact that every single morning my mother | |
Would . . . you know what? the rest of these lyrics | |
Aren't gonna fit on here. there's just no room | |
Left. what a drag, huh? i guess we didn't plan | |
This out very well . . . probably should've used a | |
Smaller font or a bigger piece of paper or some- | |
Thing. sorry. we all feel just horrible about this. | |
Well, i guess you'll just have to listen really carefully | |
And try to figure out the words for yourself. | |
Good luck. |
Here are the actual song lyrics. | |
Note: lyrics in italics denote lyrics that were sung. | |
Lyrics: | |
Way back when i was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from jerry' s bait shop | |
You know the place | |
Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy | |
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning | |
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast | |
Awww big bowl of sauerkraut | |
Every single mornin | |
It wa driving me crazy | |
I said to my mom | |
I said ' hey, mom, what' s with all the sauerkraut?' | |
And my dear, sweet mother | |
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train | |
And she leaned right down next to me | |
And she said ' it' s good for you' | |
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth | |
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until i was twenty six and a half years old | |
That' s when i swore that someday | |
Someday i would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place | |
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer | |
And the towels are oh so fluffy | |
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long | |
And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel | |
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah | |
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn' t long at all before my dream came true | |
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest | |
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in leonard nimoy' s butt | |
I was off by three, but i still won the grand prize | |
That' s right, a first class oneway ticket to | |
Albuquerque | |
Albuquerque | |
Oh yeah | |
You know, i' d never been on a real airplane before | |
And i gotta tell ya, it was really great | |
Except that i had to sit between two large albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor | |
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time | |
The flight attendants ran out of dr. pepper and salted peanuts | |
And the inflight movie was biodome with pauly shore | |
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out | |
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside | |
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died | |
Except for me | |
You know why? | |
' cause i had my tray table up | |
And my seat back in the full upright position | |
Had my tray table up | |
And my seat back in the full upright position | |
Had my tray table up | |
And my seat back in the full upright position | |
Ah ha ha ha | |
Ah ha ha | |
Ahhhh | |
So i crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage | |
I crawled on my hands and kneew for three full days | |
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag | |
And my tenor saxophone and my twelvepound bowling ball | |
And my lucky, lucky autographed glowinthedark snorkel | |
But finally i arived at the world famous albuquerque holiday inn | |
Where the towels are oh so fluffy | |
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna | |
It' s ok, they' re clean | |
Well, i checked into my room and i turned down the a c | |
And i turned on the spectravision | |
And i' m just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow | |
That i love so very, very much when suddenly, there' s a knock on the door | |
Well now, who could that be? | |
I say ' who is it?' | |
No answer | |
' who is it?' | |
There' s no answer | |
' who is it?' | |
They' re not sayin' anything | |
So, finally i go over and i open the door and just as i suspected | |
It' s some big fat hermaphrodite with a flockofseagulls haircut and only one nostril | |
Oh man, i hate it when i' m right | |
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel | |
And i' m like ' hey, you can' t have that' | |
' that snorkel' s been just like a snorkel to me' | |
And he' s like ' tough' | |
And i' m like ' give it' | |
And he' s like ' make me' | |
And i' m like '' kay' | |
So i grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus | |
And i bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows | |
And i took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation | |
Yes indeed, you better believe it | |
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook | |
And twenty seconds later, i heard a farmiliar voice | |
And you know what it said? | |
I' ll tell you what it said | |
It said | |
' if you' d like to make a call, please hang up and try again' | |
' if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator' | |
' if you' d like to make a call, please hang up and try again' | |
' if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator' | |
In albuquerque | |
Albuquerque | |
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel | |
But i made a a solemn vow right then and there that i would not rest | |
I would not sleep for an instant until the onenostrilled man was brought to justice | |
But first, i decided to buy some donuts | |
So i got in my car and i drove over to the donut shop | |
And i walked on up to the guy behind the counter | |
And he says ' yeah, what do ya want?' | |
I said ' you got any glazed donuts?' | |
He said ' no, we' re outta glazed donuts' | |
I said ' you got any jelly donuts?' | |
He said ' no, we' re outta jelly donuts' | |
I said ' you got any bavarian creamfilled donuts?' | |
He said ' no, we' re outta bavarian creamfilled donuts' | |
I said ' you got any cinnamon rolls?' | |
He said ' no, we' re outta cinnamon rolls' | |
I said ' you got any apple fritters?' | |
He said ' no, we' re outta apple fritters' | |
I said ' you got any bear claws?' | |
He said ' wait a minute, i' ll go check' | |
' no, we' re outta bear claws' | |
I said ' well, in that case in that case, what do you have?' | |
He says ' all i got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels' | |
I said ' ok, i' ll take that' | |
So he hands me the box and i open up the lid and the weasels jump out | |
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over | |
rabid gnawing sounds | |
Oh man, they were just going nuts | |
They were tearin' me apart | |
You know, i think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head' | |
I believe it went a little something like this . . . | |
Doh | |
Get ' em off me | |
Get ' em off me | |
Oh | |
No, get ' em off, get ' em off | |
Oh, oh god, oh god | |
Oh, get ' em off me | |
Oh, oh god | |
Ah, more screaming | |
I ran out into the street with these flesheating weasels all over my face | |
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' | |
Like a constipated weiner dog | |
And as luck wouls have it, that' s exactly when i ran into the girl of my dreams | |
Her name was zelda | |
She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches | |
I' ll never forget the first thing she said to me. | |
She said ' hey, you' ve got weasels on your face' | |
That' s when i knew it was true love | |
We were inseperable after that | |
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together | |
We even shared the same piece of mintflavored dental floss | |
The world was our burrito | |
So we got married and we bought us a house | |
And had two beautiful children nathaniel and superfly | |
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah | |
But then one fateful night, zelda said to me | |
She said ' sweetie pumpkin? do you wanna join the columbia record club?' | |
I said ' woah, hold on now, baby' | |
' i' m just not ready for that kinda commitment' | |
So we broke up and i never saw her again | |
But that' s just the way things go | |
In albuquerque | |
Albuquerque | |
Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me | |
Because about a week later, i finally achieved my lifelong dream | |
That' s right, i got me a parttime job at the sizzler | |
I even made employee of the month after i put that grease fire out with my face | |
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that | |
I was gettin' a lot of attitude | |
Ok, like one time, i was out in the parking lot | |
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil | |
When i see this guy marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself | |
So i, i say to him, i say ' hey, you want me to help you with that?' | |
And marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes | |
' no, i want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw' | |
So i did | |
And then he gets all indignant on me | |
He' s like ' hey man, i was just being sarcastic' | |
Well, that' s just great | |
How was i supposed to know that? | |
I' m not a mind reader for cryin' out loud | |
Besides, now he' s got a really cute nickname torsoboy | |
So what' s he complaining about? | |
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote | |
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn' t had a bit in three days | |
Well, i knew what he meant | |
But just to be funny, i took a big bite out of his jugular vein | |
And he' s yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over | |
And i' m like ' hey, come on, don' tcha get it?' | |
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming | |
screaming sounds | |
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation | |
Man, some people just can' t take a joke, you know? | |
Anyway, um, um, where was i? | |
Kinda lost my train of thought | |
Uh, well, uh, ok | |
Anyway i, i know it' s kinda been a roundabout way of saying it | |
But i guess the whole point i' m tryin' to make here is | |
I hate sauerkraut | |
That' s all i' m really tryin' to say | |
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up | |
And find yourself in an existential quandry | |
Full of loathing and selfdoubt | |
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence | |
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that | |
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixedup universe of ours | |
There' s still a little place called | |
Albuquerque | |
Albuquerque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque | |
I said ' a' a | |
' l' l | |
' b' b | |
' u' u | |
' querque' querque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque | |
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque | |
Albuquerque | |
belch | |
Here are the lyrics from the album booklet. | |
Note: the following lyrics are type exactly as they appear in the booklet. | |
Lyrics: | |
Way back when i was just a little bitty boy | |
Living in a box under the stairs in a corner of | |
The basement of the house half a block down | |
The street from jerr' s bait shop... you know | |
The place... well anyway, back then life was | |
Going swell and everything was juuuuust | |
Peachy... except of course for the undeniable | |
Fact that every single morning my mother | |
Would . . . you know what? the rest of these lyrics | |
Aren' t gonna fit on here. there' s just no room | |
Left. what a drag, huh? i guess we didn' t plan | |
This out very well . . . probably should' ve used a | |
Smaller font or a bigger piece of paper or some | |
Thing. sorry. we all feel just horrible about this. | |
Well, i guess you' ll just have to listen really carefully | |
And try to figure out the words for yourself. | |
Good luck. |