[00:04.680]- Hi,guys. - Hey,Phoebe.
[00:06.580]- How did it go? - Not so good. -
[00:09.050]He walked me home and said, "Let's do this again."
[00:13.190]He said,"Let's do this again." That's good,right?
[00:16.390]Translated,"Let's do this again" means,"You'll never see me naked."
[00:22.000]
[00:22.830]Since when?
[00:24.540]Since always. It's,like,dating language.
[00:27.910]Like,"It's not you" means,"It is you."
[00:32.510]"You're nice" means,"I'll be dating alcoholics.. “
[00:36.380]and complaining about them to you."
[00:39.480]"We should see other people" means: “
[00:42.220]"Ha-ha,I already am!" “
[00:45.390]Everybody knows this?
[00:47.790]Cushions the blow.
[00:49.130]Like your parents putting the dog to sleep..
[00:51.600]and saying it went to a farm.
[00:54.130]That's funny. Because our parents actually did..
[01:01.610]Ross?
[01:04.540]Hello! The Milner's farm in Connecticut?
[01:07.510]The Milners had this unbelievable farm.
[01:10.120]They had horses and rabbits to chase.
[01:12.880]And it was..
[01:17.390]Oh,my God! Chi-Chi!
[01:22.030]The One With the Thumb
[02:12.710]How does it feel knowing you're about to die?
[02:15.850]Warden,in five minutes my pain will be over.
[02:19.350]But you'll live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die.
[02:25.000]
[02:25.390]That was really good!
[02:27.830]Thanks. Let's keep going.
[02:29.690]So,what do you want from me,Dimon? Huh?
[02:36.130]I just wanna go back to my cell, because in my cell I can smoke.
[02:40.000]
[02:40.370]Smoke away!
[02:55.320]I think this is why Dimon smokes in his cell alone.
[02:59.820]- What? - Relax your hand.
[03:02.130]Let your wrist go.
[03:04.130]Not so much!
[03:07.130]All right. Now take a puff.
[03:13.640]- Give it to me. - I'm not giving you a cigarette. -
[03:21.080]Now,don't think of it as a cigarette.
[03:24.280]Think of it as the thing that has been missing from your hand.
[03:29.000]
[03:29.090]When you hold it, you feel right.
[03:31.690]You feel complete.
[03:33.420]- You miss it? - No,not so much.
[03:37.400]All right. Now we smoke.
[03:42.600]Oh,my God!
[03:45.940]- Give me that! - No. You've got options. -
[03:48.040]You can smoke like this:
[03:49.840]- Chandler - Or hold it in your mouth. -
[03:52.280]Give me the cigarette!
[03:53.880]- You try. - Thank you.
[03:55.580]Okay,how's this?
[04:00.350]Okay,that's not bad.
[04:02.790]All right,when you're finished, it's cool if you flick it.
[04:08.730]All right,you keep practicing..
[04:12.100]and I'll go put out the sofa.
[04:18.670]I thought it was foot size.
[04:21.110]No. It's the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb..
[04:25.140]to the tip of his index finger.
[04:33.120]That's ridiculous.
[04:36.420]Can I use either thumb?
[04:39.590]I'd rather go with the foot theory.
[04:42.030]All right. Don't tell me.
[04:45.730]Decaf cappuccino for Joey.
[04:50.600]Coffee,black.
[04:53.270]Latte.
[04:56.610]And an iced tea.
[04:58.610]- I'm getting good at this. - Excellent! -
[05:01.850]Good for me!
[05:17.030]- You okay,Phoebe? - It's not worth
[05:19.860]It's my bank.
[05:21.570]- What did they do? - It's nothing
[05:24.040]I get my mail and open their monthly "statement."
[05:27.870]Easy!
[05:31.340]And there's $500 extra in my account.
[05:34.710]Satan's minions at work again!
[05:38.220]Now I have to go deal with them
[05:40.890]- What are you talking about? Keep it! - It's not mine. -
[05:45.090]If I kept it,I'd be stealing.
[05:47.130]But if you spent it, it would be like shopping.
[05:52.730]Say I bought a great pair of shoes.
[05:55.530]Know what I'd hear with every step? "Not mine. Not mine. Not mine."
[06:00.000]
[06:00.710]Even if I was happy and skipping,I'd hear:
[06:04.180]"Not-not mine. Not-not mine." “
[06:07.110]We're with you. We got it.
[06:10.010]I'd never be able to enjoy it. It'd be this giant karmic debt.
[06:14.290]Chandler,what are you doing?
[06:16.890]What are you doing?
[06:21.260]Oh,gross!
[06:24.300]- What is this? - I'm smoking!
[06:27.030]You've been so good for three years!
[06:29.770]And this is my reward.
[06:33.670]Think about what you went through when you quit.
[06:37.080]Forget about you. Think about what we went through!
[06:40.850]So this time I won't quit.
[06:43.280]- Put it out! - I'm putting it out!
[06:48.550]I can't drink this now.
[06:54.930]I'm gonna go. I've got a date.
[06:57.200]With Alan again? How's it going?
[06:59.860]It's going pretty good. It's nice and we're having fun.
[07:04.200]When do we get to meet him?
[07:06.270]Let's see,it's Monday..
[07:08.340]- Never. - Come on!
[07:10.210]Not after what happened with Steve.
[07:12.540]What do you mean? We love Steve. Steve was sexy!
[07:20.120]Sorry.
[07:21.320]I don't know how I feel yet. Let me figure it out.
[07:24.590]Then can we meet him?
[07:26.620]No.
[07:27.830]Sorry.
[07:31.860]Joey. Let it go.
[07:38.740]Why should they meet him?
[07:40.470]I bring a guy home and they're like..
[07:43.740]coyotes picking off the weak members of the herd.
[07:47.880]Listen,as someone who's seen more than her share of bad beef..
[07:52.000]
[07:52.480]I'll tell you, that is not such a terrible thing.
[07:56.490]Your friends are just looking after you.
[07:59.190]I wish that once I'd date a guy they liked.
[08:02.730]You realize the odds of that happening are slimmer..
[08:06.530]- if they never get to meet the guy. - I know. -
[08:10.300]- Can't I whimper a little bit? - Whimper. -
[08:15.470]Okay,I'm done.
[08:18.780]Let it go,Ross.
[08:20.750]You didn't know Chi-Chi.
[08:26.550]- Do you all promise? - We promise.
[08:29.550]We'll be good.
[08:30.790]Chandler,do you promise to be good?
[08:41.500]You can come in,but your filter-tip buddy stays outside!
[08:55.350]"Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling.
[08:58.650]We've credited you $500. We're sorry for the inconvenience..
[09:03.000]
[09:03.090]and hope you'll accept this football phone..
[09:09.260]as our gift." Do you believe it?
[09:11.630]Now I have $ 1000 and a football phone.
[09:16.400]What bank is this?
[09:19.670]Okay,it's him.
[09:23.370]- Who is it? - Alan.
[09:24.780]Chandler! He's here!
[09:29.610]Do I look okay?
[09:31.380]One more button.
[09:33.020]Closed! How about closed? -
[09:36.000]- I didn't know. - Yeah. -
[09:39.320]Please be good.
[09:41.260]Remember how much you all like me?
[09:45.630]Alan,this is everybody. Everybody,this is Alan.
[10:04.050]I'll call you tomorrow. Thanks.
[10:10.620]Let's let the Alan-bashing begin.
[10:14.000]Who's gonna take the first shot?
[10:17.730]Come on!
[10:19.930]I'll go.
[10:26.540]I'm sorry,I can't do this. We loved him.
[10:30.040]We loved him!
[10:32.110]Wait! We're talking about someone I'm going out with?
[10:36.050]That pimento trick!
[10:37.720]I'll never look at an olive the same way again.
[10:41.220]And did you notice?
[10:47.890]Know what was great? His smile was crooked.
[10:51.100]- Yes! Like the man in the shoe! - What shoe?
[10:56.400]From the rhyme.
[10:58.040]There was a man With a crooked smile
[11:00.100]Who lived in a shoe For a while
[11:06.180]So I think Alan..
[11:08.650]is the yardstick by which future boyfriends will be measured.
[11:13.000]
[11:13.020]Future boyfriends?
[11:14.420]- I think this could be "it." - Really?
[11:17.890]I'd marry him for his David Hasselhoff impression alone.
[11:28.400]- Know what I like most? - What? -
[11:31.740]The way he makes me feel about myself.
[11:57.260]How was the game?
[11:59.530]Well..
[12:01.200]We won!
[12:04.640]Fantastic! Question. How is that possible?
[12:08.440]- Alan. - He was unbelievable! -
[12:10.910]Like the cartoon where Bugs Bunny plays every position.
[12:13.000]
[12:14.810]It was first base,Alan. Second base,Alan..
[12:22.450]It was like he made us into a team.
[12:25.490]We sure showed those Hasidic jewelers a thing or two about softball.
[12:31.000]
[12:31.530]Can I ask a question?
[12:33.600]Do you think Alan is sometimes..
[12:36.130]What?
[12:37.330]I don't know. A little too "Alan"?
[12:40.170]Oh,no. Not possible. You can never be too "Alan."
[12:43.910]It's his innate "Alan-ness" that we adore.
[12:48.910]I,personally,could have a gallon of Alan.
[12:59.360]- Hey,Lizzy. - Hey,weird girl.
[13:02.760]- I brought alphabet soup.
[13:05.430]I left in the Y's. Because,"sometimes Y."
[13:09.770]- And something else. - Saltines? -
[13:12.340]No,$1000 and a football phone.
[13:15.370]What? 什么?
[13:17.680]Oh,my God!
[13:19.540]- There's really money in here. - I know. -
[13:22.480]What are you doing?
[13:24.380]I want you to have it. I don't want it.
[13:28.220]- I have to give you something. - No,you don't -
[13:31.520]- Do you want my tinfoil hat? - No,you need that. -
[13:35.330]- It's okay. Thanks. - Let me do something. -
[13:39.600]I'll tell you what. Buy me a soda and we're even. Okay?
[13:44.000]
[13:44.600]- Okay. - Okay.
[14:47.730]Keep the change.
[14:49.930]Thanks,Lizzy.
[14:51.170]Want a pretzel?
[14:52.600]- No,I'm fine. Thanks. - See you.
[15:03.550]A thumb?
[15:07.050]I know. There it was, just floating..
[15:10.320]like this tiny little hitchhiker.
[15:14.690]Maybe it's a contest. Like "collect all five."
[15:24.700]Don't do that. Come on!
[15:26.500]It's worse than the thumb.
[15:30.410]- This is so unfair. - Why is it unfair?
[15:33.410]So I have a flaw! Big deal!
[15:36.410]Joey's knuckle-cracking isn't annoying?
[15:39.250]Ross,over-pronouncing every word.
[15:41.620]Monica,who snorts when she laughs. I mean,what the hell is that thing?
[15:48.000]
[15:48.190]I accept those flaws. Why can't you accept me for this?
[15:58.700]Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody,or just him?
[16:05.780]I could live without it.
[16:10.410]Is it a little annoying? Or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?
[16:18.000]
[16:18.020]Don't listen to him. I think it's endearing.
[16:21.360]Oh,you do,do you?
[16:29.800]There's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
[16:33.340]Indeed there isn't.
[16:38.110]I should get back to work.
[16:40.040]Otherwise someone might get what they ordered.
[16:45.880]The hair comes out and the gloves come off.
[17:04.270]Ever go out with a guy your friends really like?
[17:08.240]No.
[17:12.340]I'm going out with a guy my friends really like.
[17:15.810]Are we talking about the coyotes here?
[17:19.050]All right! A cow got through.
[17:23.590]Can you believe it?
[17:25.060]It's just,you know what?
[17:26.920]I just don't feel the "thing."
[17:29.930]They feel the thing. I don't feel it.
[17:32.760]Honey,you should always feel the thing.
[17:40.200]If that's how you feel about the guy, dump him.
[17:43.810]- It's gonna be really hard. - He'll get over it. -
[17:47.440]No,he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.
[17:52.750]- Don't you respect your body? - Don't you see what you're doing? -
[17:57.000]
[17:57.020]I've had it with your cancer, emphysema and heart disease.
[18:01.000]
[18:01.360]The bottom line is,smoking is cool, and you know it.
[18:09.100]Alan wants to speak to you.
[18:11.100]Really? He does?
[18:14.240]Hey,buddy! What's up?
[18:18.380]She told you about that,huh?
[18:21.310]Well,yeah. I have one now and then. Well,yeah,now.
[18:26.350]It's not that
[18:30.190]Well,that's true.
[18:34.460]Gee,you know,no one's ever put it like that before.
[18:38.860]Well,okay. Thanks.
[18:51.280]God,he's good.
[18:54.110]- If only he were a woman. - Yeah. -
[19:03.020]Lamb Chop!
[19:04.420]How old is that sock?
[19:07.930]If I had a sock on my hand for 30 years,it'd be talking too.
[19:14.130]I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch.
[19:22.240]- Where's Joey? - Joey ate my last stick of gum.. -
[19:25.240]so I killed him.
[19:27.780]Do you think that was wrong?
[19:31.420]- I think he's across the hall. - Thanks. -
[19:34.690]There you go.
[19:37.150]I'm alive with pleasure now.
[19:40.260]Phoebe,do you want the rest of that Pop-Tart?
[19:45.230]Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
[19:49.600]Hey,I might.
[19:51.770]I'm sorry.
[19:54.040]The soda people gave me $7000 for the thumb.
[19:59.880]And on my way over here I stepped in gum.
[20:03.780]What is up with the universe?
[20:06.220]- What's going on? - It's just nice when we're together. -
[20:10.520]It's nicer when everyone gets to wear underwear.
[20:24.300]Please,guys,we have to talk.
[20:26.640]Wait! I'm getting a deja vu.
[20:29.570]No,I'm not.
[20:33.480]- We have to talk. - There it is!
[20:39.150]Okay,it's about Alan.
[20:41.150]Speaking of which,tell him we're on for the Renaissance Fair.
[20:45.000]
[20:45.890]Before you get into that, there's something you should know.
[20:50.000]
[20:50.760]There's really no easy way to say this.
[20:55.900]I've decided to break up with Alan.
[21:02.770]Is there somebody else?
[21:07.340]No,it's just..
[21:09.450]you know,things change. People change.
[21:12.580]We didn't change.
[21:17.190]So that's it? It's over?
[21:20.760]Just like that?
[21:24.000]You let your guard down. You start to care about someone,and..
[21:32.000]
[21:32.270]- I can go on pretending - Okay! -
[21:34.640]No.
[21:35.910]That wouldn't be fair to me,Alan, or to you.
[21:39.240]Well,who wants fair?
[21:41.450]I just want things back,you know, the way they were.
[21:47.620]- I'm sorry. - Oh,she's sorry. I feel better. -
[21:53.090]I can't believe this!
[21:54.830]With the holidays coming up. I wanted him to meet my family.
[22:00.000]
[22:00.730]I'll meet someone. There'll be other Alans.
[22:03.830]Yeah,right!
[22:09.840]- Are you guys gonna be okay? - We'll be fine. -
[22:13.610]We're just gonna need a little time.
[22:17.150]I understand.
[22:24.020]- Wow. - I'm really sorry. - Wow -
[22:26.690]Yeah,I mean,I'm sorry too.
[22:30.030]- But I'm a little relieved. - Relieved? -
[22:33.560]Yeah,well,I mean, I had a great time with you.
[22:37.770]I just can't stand your friends.
[22:46.480]Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?
[22:51.000]
[22:51.920]That was fun.
[22:55.150]He could row like a Viking.
[23:06.460]So how'd it go?
[23:09.330]You know.
[23:11.270]Did he mention us?
[23:17.670]He says he's really gonna miss you guys.
[23:27.080]- Rough day,huh? - You have no idea. -
[23:29.820]Come here.
[23:34.730]- That's it. I'm getting cigarettes. - No! - No!
[23:37.460]I don't care! I'm weak!
[23:42.070]If you never smoke again, I'll give you $7000.