[00:00.000] 作曲 : Bo Burnham
[00:00.000] 作词 : Bo Burnham
[00:00.000]I believe there is nothing more manly one can do than take a shower with five other guys. It's true, it's not a joke, it's early cavemen, you know.
[00:06.046]Cro-Magnon wandering through the fog, you know, scrubbing five other sapiens, no homo
[00:11.243]I wanna do a poem for you, some poems for you, right now. I've got the chimes:
[00:16.953]Ooh, a genie just came! Alright, um...
[00:23.581]Now that we're a little halfway through the show, I'd sorta like to take the pressure off you, the audience, and just read some serious poetry, then we'll kinda go back to the giggles.
[00:32.457]This is from my book, "Egghead", that some of you may already have, or, something, so I won't keep it too long, in case, you know, some of you have heard this stuff, but, uh...
[00:40.343]Just sit back and enjoy, uh, this, uh, poetry
[00:43.306]"Roses are gray
[00:44.250]Violets are a different shade of gray
[00:45.773]Let's go chase cars."
[00:46.846]That's by a dog
[00:53.435]This is a poem about women's bodies, and the ability to transform your body issues, and transcend them:
[00:59.742]"Martha was ugly, like a shaven baboon
[01:02.140]So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon
[01:04.546]And after a week, she finally emerged
[01:06.592]She smelled like shit. What a psycho."
[01:10.439]You can't transcend them, I guess that's the moral
[01:14.026]"Me, with my strange choice of adjectives
[01:17.531]You, with your muscular teeth
[01:19.832]And clockwise v****a."
[01:28.461]"You're incomparable, like a...
[01:30.870]Yeah, that's the word"
[01:36.524]"I wanna beat you to death with a blunt object
[01:39.596]I wanna grab one of those high-end fashion mannequins by the ankles and bash your ribcage in
[01:44.789]I wanna sharpen 50 pencils, bind them with a rubber band, stick the lead end in your mouth and punch the erasers
[01:51.723]I wanna strap you to a bed of nails, then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car so I can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps in a mall parking lot during an earthquake
[02:00.554]I want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash and somehow not survive a small fender-bender on the way back from the hospital."
[02:07.080]That's called "Dad"
[02:13.182]"If I had a million dollars, I'd pay your mother to have sex with me
[02:16.494]Afterwards, probably I'd invest in the remaining $999,990"
[02:20.649]$10 for sex with your mother! Comedy!
[02:25.409]I can see the light in your face, b***h! Stop texting!
[02:28.058]Um, it's just a comment for someone in the crowd... It's your time, do what you want. And the texting won't show on the CD, so, that's okay.
[02:36.261]Now look what I've done
[02:40.110]And finally...
[02:41.657]"Mid-October, with leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings
[02:45.744]The streets dicing our town into neat, unfair portions
[02:50.620]And me, eatin' that p***y, baby
[02:53.571]Thank you so mu—
[03:01.590]Oh, man, thank you guys so much, thank you for being a part of this, coming to the show, uh...
[03:08.450]I just need one person's enthusiasm, that's all I need to carry me
[03:11.467]"Oh, ow! I'm turned on and hurt!"
[03:13.764]Um, I, so, I am so grateful to you coming here, I know I keep saying that, it sounds redundant, but, uh, my gratefulness is redundant, so, um, but, uh...