[00:00.000]
[00:23.118] Tonight at 10
[00:24.297] The world is ending again
[00:25.682] And we know why and when
[00:27.153] So you better watch
[00:28.830] We got a bit with some feminist chick
[00:31.564] And also a picture of a starlet's crotch!
[00:34.274] Two people died, a double homicide
[00:36.922] Their bodies found inside of a wishing well
[00:39.874] And we tackle the flaws in these obesity laws
[00:42.672] In this segment that's sponsored by Taco Bell
[00:45.692] We've got violence, danger, ***, and drugs
[00:49.065] And it's awesome cause all of it's real!
[00:51.315] We do the illusion of news and while you think you're choosing the views that you feel...
[00:56.433] All of this and more and live
[00:57.910] Only on the Channel 5 News!
[01:18.520] We've got Chip Walker, live at the scene, with breaking news! Chip are you there?
[01:21.843] Chip Walker here
[01:23.671] Am I coming in clear?
[01:25.169] I'm standing near
[01:26.461] To the scene of the crime
[01:27.874] This Iraqi guy's shop
[01:29.352] Seemed a newsworthy spot
[01:30.692] So we've been gathering shots here for quite some time
[01:33.490] Today, real fast
[01:34.895] The owner's daughter passed
[01:36.239] We grabbed a shot of her ass
[01:37.710] While the owner was near
[01:39.190] Then he struck my chest
[01:40.462] And now he's under arrest
[01:41.940] And now you people have one less man to fear
[01:44.822] This family's angry, crying, sad, and lost
[01:48.225] And it's awesome, cause all of it's real!
[01:50.608] I do the illusion of news and while you think you're choosing the views that you feel...
[01:55.620] More as this develops live
[01:57.222] Only on the Channel 5 News
[02:12.369] We go now to Max Stevens, with the weather for the weekend
[02:14.529] What are we looking at here, Max: umbrellas or picnic baskets?
[02:18.191] Max? Max?!
[02:21.476] We're experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by
[02:42.460] Alright, we got a signal. Cut to Max
[02:44.430] Good evening, hi
[02:45.477] It's your weather guy
[02:46.965] I advise you to buy another lightning rod
[02:49.698] We didn't catch this impending disaster
[02:52.694] Maybe it's natural, maybe it's God (he's off script)
[02:55.380] The sliding mud
[02:56.764] The incoming flood (he's off script)
[02:58.262] Will never wash the blood
[02:59.582] From my greedy old hands! (he's off script, cut to the commercial)
[03:01.079] This job was fun, I had a pretty good run
[03:03.764] But I've never been one to give in to demands (he's off script, cut to the commercial!)
[03:06.761] People are angry, crying, sad, and lost
[03:10.059] And it's awful cause all of it's real!
[03:12.413] We do the illusion of news and while you think you're choosing the views that you feel...
[03:17.466] All of this and more and live
[03:19.132] Only on the Channel 5-
[03:20.500] Only on the Channel 5-
[03:21.865] Only-only-on-
[03:22.855] We're back
[03:23.523] News
[03:27.211] Only on the Channel 5 News