Intro （）-Bo Burnham
This is Bo Burnham
He's 22years old
He's a male and he looks like the genetic product
Of a giraffe having sex with Ellen Degeneres
He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples
He's isolated himself over the last five years in the pursuit of comedy
And in doing so has lost touch with reality
You're an asshole Bo You hear me
You think you know better than me
You think you know better than everybody
You will die alone and you will deserve it
But in the meantime you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours
See if that helps
You used to do comedy when you felt like being funny
But now you're contraction-ally obligated
So dance you f**king monkey
Dance monkey dance
Welcome to the show
This is Bo this is his show
And Bo likes to dance like this
Welcome to the show this is Bo
This is his show and Bo takes off his pants like this
Play an invisible drum
Play an invisible trumpet trumpet sound
Drink some invisible water
Oh sh*t That water's real
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
So sit back relax and enjoy a healthy dose of
Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
Prolonged eye contact
Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
Lick your lips to make it more comforting
Do you want to see a magic trick
Do you want to see a magic trick
Do you want to see a magic trick
Then pick a card any card-Psyche
Magic isn't real you idiot read a book
Magic isn't real you idiot read a book
Magic isn't real you idiot read a book
Magic isn't real or is it
And at that moment
Bo's 20year old cynicism melted into childlike wonder
He never knew there could be so much magic in the world
It's a world of possibilities Bo
What do you want to do first Run
Yeah sure you can run
Fly Well yeah you can fly
What What are you what the f**k are you do
What the f**k are you doing
Stop st-stop it
What the f-you f**king idiot stop stop stop
Anyways In the distance Bo saw a beautiful fairy
A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud
About being called one in high school
He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard
Bo knew he'd have to answer a riddle to get by
The troll spoke thus:
Alright for the last time man I'm not a troll I'm homeless
Ok do you have any spare change
Ok that's a used napkin I don't want that
No no stop just you know what leave just leave please leave '
And then as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage
He saw a unicorn with five horns right in front of him
And the pentacorn spoke thus:
Hello Bo I've been looking for you for quite a long t-ugh '
He was safe for now
But the dark thoughts would soon return
It's Godzilla
It's so hard to be a lizard
It's hard to be a lizard
Tiny arms itchy gizzard
It's hard to be a lizard
But it's harder to segue
Is he skiing or is he in a gay porn
Is he skiing what or is he in a gay porn
Is he skiing huh or is he in a gay porn
Here's a hint he's in a gay porn
Ok Bo this miming sh*t is getting pretty annoying
So give them the real thing
My voice is so f**king natural
It's naturally good
Naturally good
Naturally good
This is the end of the song and the beginning of the show
Welcome to the show
That lizard part was pretty f**king stupid
We're recording part of the CD tonight and yeah
Good to start off with eight minutes of mime jokes for the CD
I want to start off with a joke for the fellas
I don't feel like I connect with my men
In the audience as well as
I do with my prepubescent girls
So where my fellas at Fellas
Yo fellas don't you hate it when you're sucking a guy's ****
And he ends up being a faggot Am I right
These f**king faggots with their tasty ****s
Alright if you'd like to leave during
The show the exit signs are marked clearly in red
Sort of a orangish/reddish/fiery red
So we'll be f**ked if we need them
But we can see them now
This show is called 'what '
And I hope there are some surprises geez
I knocked the water over by accident
He meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah
But you all thought it was an accident
But he meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah
Art is lie nothing is real
So it's called 'what 'and it's about hey cool it
He meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah
But you all thought it was an
Just take it off repeat and it won't repeat
This is the good thing
We can edit all this in the actual CD recording
He meant to play the track again yeah yeah yeah
But you all thought it was an accident
But he meant to play the water track again-gain-gain
Art's still a lie nothing's still real
What's the deal with segues
Food jokes
How you guys doing up in the nosebleeds up top
Yes the nosebleeds where the coc*ine is done
I had a hotdog for breakfast
In Madison actually this morning
And yeah afterwards I felt like this whoa whoa
Because I couldn't control my stools Alright Jesus
For the people listening I moved the stool around a lot
This is gonna get difficult
But I'm glad you like poop-based puns
That'll be a majority of the show so
Never waste a moment
Every moment can become a comedy moment see
Thank you so much I am