[00:00.00]Intro （）-Bo Burnham
[00:08.920]This is Bo Burnham
[00:12.230]He's 22years old
[00:15.487]He's a male and he looks like the genetic product
[00:19.794]Of a giraffe having sex with Ellen Degeneres
[00:24.583]He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples
[00:29.662]He's isolated himself over the last five years in the pursuit of comedy
[00:35.280]And in doing so has lost touch with reality
[00:42.726]You're an asshole Bo You hear me
[00:48.796]You think you know better than me
[00:51.846]You think you know better than everybody
[00:55.866]You will die alone and you will deserve it
[01:01.415]But in the meantime you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours
[01:07.594]See if that helps
[01:21.934]You used to do comedy when you felt like being funny
[01:28.73]But now you're contraction-ally obligated
[01:31.233]So dance you f**king monkey
[01:35.642]Dance monkey dance
[01:37.231]Welcome to the show
[01:38.201]This is Bo this is his show
[01:40.51]And Bo likes to dance like this
[01:43.261]Welcome to the show this is Bo
[01:44.940]This is his show and Bo takes off his pants like this
[01:49.290]Play an invisible drum
[01:52.80]Play an invisible trumpet trumpet sound
[01:55.79]Drink some invisible water
[01:57.868]Oh sh*t That water's real
[02:01.258]Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
[02:04.147]Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
[02:07.416]Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
[02:10.66]So sit back relax and enjoy a healthy dose of
[02:13.245]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
[02:16.264]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
[02:19.294]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
[02:22.274]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
[02:25.243]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
[02:28.221]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
[02:31.41]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
[02:34.781]Prolonged eye contact
[02:37.181]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
[02:40.351]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
[02:43.311]Prolonged eye contact Prolonged eye contact
[02:46.31]Lick your lips to make it more comforting
[02:48.710]Do you want to see a magic trick
[02:51.859]Do you want to see a magic trick
[02:54.868]Do you want to see a magic trick
[02:57.858]Then pick a card any card-Psyche
[03:01.327]Magic isn't real you idiot read a book
[03:04.316]Magic isn't real you idiot read a book
[03:07.344]Magic isn't real you idiot read a book
[03:10.262]Magic isn't real or is it
[03:16.482]And at that moment
[03:18.631]Bo's 20year old cynicism melted into childlike wonder
[03:24.889]He never knew there could be so much magic in the world
[03:29.919]It's a world of possibilities Bo
[03:33.438]What do you want to do first Run
[03:36.708]Yeah sure you can run
[03:38.907]Fly Well yeah you can fly
[03:43.456]What What are you what the f**k are you do
[03:45.973]What the f**k are you doing
[03:47.532]Stop st-stop it
[03:49.570]What the f-you f**king idiot stop stop stop
[03:55.47]Anyways In the distance Bo saw a beautiful fairy
[04:00.175]A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud
[04:02.335]About being called one in high school
[04:05.534]He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard
[04:09.863]Bo knew he'd have to answer a riddle to get by
[04:13.323]The troll spoke thus:
[04:16.922]Alright for the last time man I'm not a troll I'm homeless
[04:19.991]Ok do you have any spare change
[04:23.580]Ok that's a used napkin I don't want that
[04:26.379]No no stop just you know what leave just leave please leave '
[04:32.629]And then as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage
[04:38.107]He saw a unicorn with five horns right in front of him
[04:42.756]And the pentacorn spoke thus:
[04:47.315]Hello Bo I've been looking for you for quite a long t-ugh '
[05:07.985]He was safe for now
[05:11.384]But the dark thoughts would soon return
[05:17.494]It's Godzilla
[05:42.607]It's so hard to be a lizard
[05:48.807]It's hard to be a lizard
[05:54.526]Tiny arms itchy gizzard
[06:00.905]It's hard to be a lizard
[06:08.444]But it's harder to segue
[06:10.363]Is he skiing or is he in a gay porn
[06:13.62]Is he skiing what or is he in a gay porn
[06:16.250]Is he skiing huh or is he in a gay porn
[06:19.459]Here's a hint he's in a gay porn
[06:22.328]Ok Bo this miming sh*t is getting pretty annoying
[06:26.717]So give them the real thing
[06:28.827]My voice is so f**king natural
[06:34.76]It's naturally good
[06:35.706]Naturally good
[06:38.715]Naturally good
[06:41.725]This is the end of the song and the beginning of the show
[06:45.524]Welcome to the show
[07:01.693]That lizard part was pretty f**king stupid
[07:06.721]We're recording part of the CD tonight and yeah
[07:09.440]Good to start off with eight minutes of mime jokes for the CD
[07:15.19]I want to start off with a joke for the fellas
[07:16.369]I don't feel like I connect with my men
[07:18.389]In the audience as well as
[07:19.199]I do with my prepubescent girls
[07:21.308]So where my fellas at Fellas
[07:24.828]Yo fellas don't you hate it when you're sucking a guy's ****
[07:28.507]And he ends up being a faggot Am I right
[07:31.707]These f**king faggots with their tasty ****s
[07:33.916]Alright if you'd like to leave during
[07:40.176]The show the exit signs are marked clearly in red
[07:43.45]Sort of a orangish/reddish/fiery red
[07:45.175]So we'll be f**ked if we need them
[07:46.795]But we can see them now
[07:55.243]This show is called 'what '
[07:56.482]And I hope there are some surprises geez
[07:59.512]I knocked the water over by accident
[08:01.271]He meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah
[08:03.859]But you all thought it was an accident
[08:06.458]But he meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah
[08:09.198]Art is lie nothing is real
[08:11.235]So it's called 'what 'and it's about hey cool it
[08:14.394]He meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah
[08:16.752]But you all thought it was an
[08:18.610]Just take it off repeat and it won't repeat
[08:21.870]This is the good thing
[08:22.619]We can edit all this in the actual CD recording
[08:24.568]He meant to play the track again yeah yeah yeah
[08:27.198]But you all thought it was an accident
[08:29.897]But he meant to play the water track again-gain-gain
[08:32.466]Art's still a lie nothing's still real
[08:34.335]What's the deal with segues
[08:36.544]Food jokes
[08:40.314]How you guys doing up in the nosebleeds up top
[08:44.464]Yes the nosebleeds where the coc*ine is done
[08:47.843]I had a hotdog for breakfast
[08:50.673]In Madison actually this morning
[08:53.172]And yeah afterwards I felt like this whoa whoa
[08:59.80]Because I couldn't control my stools Alright Jesus
[09:06.790]For the people listening I moved the stool around a lot
[09:12.309]This is gonna get difficult
[09:15.468]But I'm glad you like poop-based puns
[09:16.687]That'll be a majority of the show so
[09:21.137]Never waste a moment
[09:21.577]Every moment can become a comedy moment see
[09:25.667]Thank you so much I am