[ti:the thieves banquet ]
[ar:Akala]
[al:the thieves banquet ]
[00:02.03]Once upon a time
[00:02.81]in an obscure part of the Milky Way Galaxy,
[00:06.25]there was a spinning ball of water and rock ruled by the forces of evil.
[00:12.26]The Devil himself,
[00:14.74]proud of the magnificent achievements of his children,
[00:17.90]decided to call a special banquet for the greatest thieves in all the land
[00:22.40]He sent invites to thousands of the greatest murders,
[00:26.62]rapists and general-assorted scum,
[00:29.62]inviting them to attend his palace at the dawn of the new moon.
[00:33.74]Each thief would be given a chance to stake his claim
[00:37.97]as the greatest messenger of murder upon the planet,
[00:41.51]and the Devil himself would then decide who should be crowned king.
[00:47.66]After many days of deliberating,
[00:50.95]all of the petty thieves, such as street criminals,
[00:53.09]have been found far short of the required level of wickedness
[00:57.01]and there were just four sets of thieves left in the competition
[01:02.11]They were:
[01:03.85]the monarchs of empire,
[01:04.92]a cartel of bankers,
[01:07.00]the heads of religious orders,
[01:09.12]and the third-world dictators.
[01:11.27]Each set of thieves appointed a spokesman to give his case to the Devil.
[01:17.18]We have recorded these events for posterity
[01:24.55]Uh, listen
[01:28.14]Uh, okay, yo
[01:33.89]First up was the thief of the worst reputation
[01:37.49]Dictator of a third-world nation
[01:39.19]He looked the Devil in the eye as he spoke
[01:41.00]In an oh-so-serious tone
[01:42.31]Dear Mr. Devil
[01:43.38]I am the greatest thief there has ever been on Earth
[01:45.72]Please tell me who else more than me personifies your work
[01:49.35]I came to power in a military coup,
[01:51.26]I murdered the elected president
[01:53.28]He wanted to use the resources of our country for our peoples’ benefit
[01:56.50]I proved to masters in the west
[01:58.72]I could kill my own people just as well as the best
[02:00.05]So I took over the so-called independent country when the foreigners left
[02:03.23]Sent squads of death to those who would suggest
[02:05.07]In power should be the one they elect
[02:06.60]Erected a statue of the great man
[02:08.40]That raped our mothers, stole our lands
[02:10.06]That’s how little self-respect I have
[02:11.79]Don’t fight slavery, it makes me glad
[02:13.56]Account in Switzerland, Rolls Royce
[02:15.29]Murder and rape cos I want new toys
[02:16.85]Don’t want a portion, but a whole fortune
[02:18.62]With that profit, what’s a little bit of torture
[02:20.51]Even outlawed my indigenous culture
[02:21.94]And language and history
[02:23.65]And taught our people to only worship colonizers
[02:26.01]And of course, ME!
[02:30.82]Thief!
[02:32.09]It’s the banquet of the thieves!
[02:35.90]Come and dine with me!
[02:40.04]It’s the banquet of the thieves!
[02:42.21]The banquet of the thieves…
[02:44.85]The Devil was so impressed with this wonderful man
[02:46.04]He almost ejaculated on his hands
[02:47.80]But the monarch of the empire said
[02:49.58]Excuse me, Mr. Devil, I’d like to speak if I may
[02:51.15]Who do you think trained this amateur dictator to behave this way?
[02:54.57]Yeah, I’m sure before I came along his country was far from heaven
[02:58.15]But look of the carnage I caused all over the Earth,
[02:59.93]it’s got to be the work of the Devil
[03:01.56]Countless deaths, mass enslavement
[03:03.23]Deliberate starvation of whole nations
[03:05.01]The dictator tries his best,
[03:06.58]but looking at me,
[03:07.45]he’s just an imitation
[03:08.50]Who do you think pays his wages?
[03:09.41]He would love to be trading places
[03:11.32]I’ve been doing this ting on the roads
[03:12.99]Way back, way back, way back
[03:14.20]Since the Middle Ages
[03:15.26]Everybody knows he’s a criminal element
[03:16.81]They think I’m democratic and benevolent
[03:18.72]And that shows that I’m really devilish
[03:20.28]Cos people think I’m heaven-sent
[03:22.06]I couldn’t care about democracy
[03:23.73]You all know no one elected me
[03:25.11]The people love me despite my crimes
[03:27.05]Sucka MCs wanna bite my shine
[03:28.66]So blingin’ out of control you would vomit
[03:30.44]Don’t even touch dough, but my face is on it!
[03:32.60]Thief!
[03:34.34]It’s the banquet of the thieves!
[03:37.73]Come and dine with me!
[03:43.87]I’m a pervert who’s in the cloak of the clergy
[03:48.28]Yes, I’m a pervert who’s in the cloak
[03:50.97]I’m a despicable character
[03:52.19]I use my position of authority and spiritual reverence
[03:55.98]I’m a despicable character
[04:00.09]Mr. Devil, allow me to speak
[04:01.37]For all of the religious leaders that leech
[04:03.20]In the world of creeps, I’m initiated
[04:04.77]I take the peoples’ faith and dissipate it
[04:06.61]With false promises, hollow oratory
[04:08.33]Don’t need a gun, it’s daylight robbery
[04:09.99]Dear Mr. Devil
[04:11.05]I thought you would like it
[04:12.66]How I use their faith in God to keep them blinded
[04:13.41]Put on a nice voice, read them a book
[04:15.39]And they believe that I am not a crook
[04:16.86]Tell them God will repay them in the next
[04:18.88]They give me their life savings so I can buy jets
[04:20.44]All the reports about child sex
[04:21.85]None of us have ever gone to jail yet
[04:23.68]This system of stealing, so appealing
[04:25.50]Convinces the victims their lives have meaning
[04:27.22]Monarchs boast about conquest
[04:28.72]But needed my blessings to get it done
[04:30.28]And all of the dictators use my books
[04:32.27]Therefore, they are just my sons
[04:33.99]The Devil was sure this was the winner
[04:35.68]And was just about to put an end to the dinner
[04:37.20]But then the man from the banking cartel
[04:39.12]Stepped up and said
[04:40.23]I think I’m the biggest sinner
[04:41.18]All of those three depend on me
[04:42.48]All they ever do is defending me
[04:44.11]Cos I paid for all of the things they have
[04:46.43]Of course, and all of the lives they lead
[04:47.77]Paid for the guns, bombs and the tanks
[04:49.64]That’s why you see, there is always more
[04:51.16]I turned science’s basic appliance
[04:53.03]Into a client of weapon and war
[04:54.59]Paid for monarchies, armed robberies
[04:56.41]I make monopolies out of property
[04:58.19]Never shot a gun nor killed anyone myself
[05:00.26]But billions die cos of me
[05:01.64]Who needs a threat? I make a debt
[05:03.29]Out of thin air, just sit back and collect
[05:04.97]Every single day, whatever they say
[05:06.48]The people need me just to connect it
[05:08.25]Yet none of them knows what I look like
[05:09.90]Yet all of them spend my money to look nice
[05:11.68]They want more, no one’s pure
[05:13.15]I hold the keys to every single door
[05:14.87]Sell sex and drugs, profit and lies
[05:16.84]Earth and skies, I’ll even sell life
[05:18.51]I’ll even sell freedom for the right price
[05:20.40]But no one is smart enough to ask me nice
[05:22.09]So Mr. Devil, give me the medal
[05:23.17]Don’t be biased
[05:24.42]If you don’t give it to me
[05:25.50]I’ll just BUY IT!
[05:28.79]Thief!
[05:30.76]It’s the banquet of the thieves!
[05:34.44]Come and dine with me!
[05:38.19]It’s the banquet of the thieves!
[05:41.41]The banquet of the thieves…
[05:45.27]It’s the banquet of the thieves!
[05:48.16]Come and dine with me!
[05:51.02]It’s the banquet of the thieves!
[05:54.20]The banquet of the thieves…