There is a player called Gareth Bale
It's such a waste that he plays for Wales
He scores every time he's on the attack
And he's got much better since he had his ears pinned back

He looks like a Neanderthal
But his pace and left foot are so wonderful
But he ain't perfect, he'll take a tumble you'll see
He'd fit perfectly in the Olympic diving team

And he is only twenty-three
Can he be better than Ryan Giggs? Let's see
But surely not Cristiano Ronaldo, how?
Jeff Stelling reckons that? Oh, he's such a clown

Shut it Jeff and just head back to Countdown
Bale can hear you with his giant ear surround sound