Personal Column - Jake Thackray
Right behind the headlines of the papers
There's a space entitled Personal
And since I'm young and sensitive
It's always there I turn to first of all
For in between the vibro-massage  sauna baths
The rubber goods  the corsetry
Someone sends a message
That is classified as advertising Agony
Agony will always find a way
You read there every day
True-life love stories  taken short
Agony at seven-and-a-kick a time
A stifled sob a line
A list of breaking hearts and surgical supports
"Molly  will you please come home
I miss you  Will you please forgive me
I love you very much
And I am sorry for what I did  Love  Sidney "
"Artistic photographs  plain paper covers
Fifty-nine-and-sixpence  postage free "
"Unsightly hair on arms and legs
And faces is removed quite painlessly "
Who knows if wayward Molly will return
Does Sidney really yearn
And if he does  does Molly care
What quarrel set them at each other's throats
Did Sidney send for postcards through the post
Or did Molly grow superfluous hair everywhere
"Widow  46 would like sophisticated gentleman to contact her
Similar interests and with a view to friendliness
Motor car preferred "
"Mrs Ivy Armitage thanks all her friends for kindnesses
When times were hard "
And "The Honorable Dicky Cholmondley
Is not sending anybody any Christmas cards "
"Dynamic methods Strengthen and Refine
The Power of your Mind"
In case your memories are none too good;
And if you cannot manage on your own
Take out a personal loan
There's no security  it's understood
"Seven days' free trial for an anti-nuclear shelter
No obligations at all "
And there's news of debutantes coming out with
All the customary Belgrave balls
Ten shillings reward: Box No  33
Has gone and lost her budgerigar
"Happy Birthday darling Sheila
From your Mummy and your Daddy
Wherever you are "
Right behind the headlines of the papers
There's a space entitled Personal
And for those who get the agony
That's the place to turn to first of all