The Cactus (2006 Remaster) - Jake Thackray
When I and my new love my true love got married
Our love our true love very nearly miscarried
And one of the chief the contributory factors
Was when my dear wife fell in love with a cactus
On our wedding day
My auntie Ivy gave us both a little pot
A plastic what not
Which contained a spiky cactus
As a present it was tactless
But my wife my life my golden girl
She loved it from the start
Though it was old and mouldy
She took it to her very heart
My snow white my aphrodite my pocket Venus
Twas then that this venomous thing came between us
When we had so much to delect and distract us
Oh why did we cherish a perishing cactus
At first she just felt sorry for this
Horrid squalid lumpish parasite
A rash compassion
For her feelings got beyond her
Every day she grew still fonder
Till this sickly tickly little squirt
Had got the household quashed
Rent unpaid my tea not made
My shirts my socks not washed
My poor heart was bleeding from multiple fractures
A dupe and a boob and a cuckold to a cactus
She gave up her duties her food and her slumber
For this potted hedgehog this son of a cucumber
In spite of all her care her lavish
Blandishments the creature still declined
It pined for something
It defied all kinds of fertiliser
It began to fade away and die
And only I knew why I recognised the state
And it's a fact that what that cactus
Lacked was a prickly little soul mate
The feeling of grief's not confined to us only
Like me this poor vegetable was just lonely
For they need exactly those things which attract us
So I went and bought him a little lady cactus
We placed them spiky cheek to spiky
Cheek upon our kitchen window sill
And then withdrew We knew
True love would run its course and
We perforce had something similar to do
And truth to tell well well within the hour
My auntie's antisocial plant put out a happy cactus flower
True love is in bloom now and everything's very nice
No thorns in our fireside no spikes up our paradise
My household is flourishing now and in fact I
Have dozens of kids and a hundred little cacti