The Lodger (房客) - Jake Thackray
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My landlady had three lovely daughters
They used to come and make
My bed each day
They used to come and clean
My living quarters
But their mother made quite
Sure they didn't stay
There was mary she seemed chary
There was helen
She seemed well and truly sceptical
About my qualities
There was julie she was truly well proportioned
But her caution
Brought exhaustion on my aching arteries
But I was wrong they weren't
At all impervious
To the possibilities of high romance
And I sensed a certain girlish nerviness
In the way they folded my pyjama pants
And I was right for late one night
Sweet little mary like a fairy
As I lay sleeping came a creeping to my side
She was mine it was divine
But we were doomed for very soon
Into the room came sister helen and she cried
Mary go to bed off mary went
Now young man helen said for your punishment
We mustn't have a fight we mustn't make a row
Turn off the light it's my turn now
Well after all I'm young and relatively vigorous
And though I still protest my innocence
By temperament I'm strictly un polygamous
And if I sinned I sinned in self defence
Nevertheless I must confess
I wouldn't miss that sort of bliss
And when it ended I was rendered comatose
When loud and clear very near
In my ear a loud voice spoke
And I was awoken from my post coital doze
Helen go to bed helen went away
Now young man julie said
You will have to pay
You've blighted helen's charms
Filched her purity
Open up your arms come and filch me
I was amazed and really rather tired
I thought I'd given all that I could give
A little kip was all that I desired
But I'm british so my upper lip was stiff
She was chaotic idiotic quite
Exotic and ecstatic
Acrobatic and emphatically fine
All to no good for when I could open my eyes
To my surprise
I found her mother looking into mine
Julie go to bed julie left the scene
Now listen ma I said I know the old routine
I'll do what you like but I shall be vexed
And I'll bloody well go on strike
If grandma's next