Leopold Alcocks - Jake Thackray
Leopold alcox my distant relation
Came to my flat for a brief visitation
He's been here since february damn and blast him
My nerves and my furniture may not outlast him
Leopold alcox is accident prone
He's lost my bath plug he's ruptured my telephone
My antirrhinums my motorbike my sofa
There isn't anything he can't trip over
He's upset my goldfish he's jinxed my wisteria
My budgie's gone broody my tortoise has hysteria
He cleans my teapots my saucepans with brasso
And leaves chocolate fingerprints on my picasso
Leopold alcox an uncanny creature
He can't take tea without some misadventure
He looks up from his tea cup with a smirk on his features
And a slice of my porcelain between his dentures
I brought home my bird for some turkish moussaka
Up looms old leopold I know when I'm knackered
He spills the vino the great eager beaver
Drenching her jump suit and my joie de vivre
Leopold alcox stirring my spleen
You are the grit in my life's vaseline
A pox on you alcox you've been here since feb'ry
Go home and leave me alone with my debris
So leopold alcox my distant relation
Has gone away home after his visitation
I glimpsed him waving bye bye this last minute
Waving his hand with my door knob still in it