作词 : Steve Martin
 作曲 : Steve Martin
You know, a lot of people ask me if Steve Martin is my real name,
have I changed it for show business or anything like that.
Now I'm not ashamed to admit it because I did have a funny name when I was a kid
and I decided to change it for show business.
But I think enough time has gone by,
And audiences are more sophisticated now that they won't laugh at my real name.
My real name is shit
my parents had a sense of humor.
My sister's name was shit
My mother got to call us for dinner and she goes shit shit
So I had to move around a lot.
But other than that I had a very normal childhood.
I was thinking about this just the other day.
I was just sitting home doing terrible things to my dog with a fork.
And I started thinking about when I was in high school.
I had a real, normal kind of healthy high school.
I was on the football team, I was a quarterback
and I quit after two weeks. I'll tell you why,
because when I'm the quarterback.
I think I should be calling the plays.
I don't think the coach should be sending in the plays.
I'm in charge out there, and that's the way I felt and I had my own strategy.
I used to like to punt on first down,
so I quit that, became a cheerleader and that was really fun.
I got my first experience standing up in front of people,
and I got my first writing experience. I wrote cheers for the team,
but the other cheerleaders were so jealous, they would not use one of my cheers.
I wrote "Die, you gravy-sucking pigs,"
And "try and make a touchdown, you scum bags."