作词 : Steve Martin
 作曲 : Steve Martin
But I'll be honest with you.
You probably read it in Screw Up Your Life Mag--
I mean People's Magazine--anyway,
I used to smoke m*******a
but I tell you something.
I would only smoke it in the late evening.
Oh, occasionally the early evening,
but usually the late evening or the mid-evening.
So I just had the early evening, mid-evening
and occasionally early afternoon or the mid-afternoon,
or perhaps the late mid-afternoon.
Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning,
but never at dusk, never at dusk. I would never do that.
Okay, hey Grandpa bought a rubber.
I feel sorry for women and I'll tell you why.
Because so many men think they're into this weird sex
and I'm sorry that there's something wrong about that,
and I wouldn't have said that.
But six months ago I met a girl, she was taking singing lessons
and her coach, 84-year-old guy,
you think it'd be the last guy in the world to be weird,
but listen to this.
He kept wanting her to sing from her diaphragm.
I mean, that would take years to learn, wouldn't it?
Now this doesn't happen very often.
But about three weeks ago, I met a girl,
she was real nice, and she invited me to her apartment.
So I went over there and she had the best p***y I have ever seen.
Oh now come on.
I'm talking about her cat! Now that makes me sick right there!
You can't say anything anymore that people don't take it dirty
and I'm sorry that disgusts me.
That cat was the best **** I ever heard.