BETELGEUSE: Okay
Listen up, I'm not gonna lie
Right now, you couldn't frighten a fly
Or scare a seagull off of a fry
You ever stop to ask yourselves "why?"
Both of you are super polite
Middle class, suburban, and white
Well, all of that is finished tonight
Except for the white part, obviously
Take your places
I want scary faces
Now go!
Bigger
Further
Harder
Not bad
Sever a head
Preferably someone you know
BARBARA, spoken: Look at me, I'm so scary.
BETELGEUSE: Don't be so vanilla
Would a little anger kill ya?
C'mon, drop your panties
I'm trying to fill ya
With wisdom and skill
And the instinct to kill
ADAM, spoken: Again, we do not want to kill anyone!
BETELGEUSE, spoken: Fine!
But somehow, someway, you gotta make 'em see ya.
I'm talkin' jump-scares, the jerky Japanese ghost-walk. Plus—
Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!
ADAM, spoken: Now THAT is cool! I wanna do that!
BETELGEUSE: Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy
Raising the stakes by punching a baby
Scare 'em awake till they break
They'll be quaking in fright
'Cause you've got some evil deep down inside you
Put all the farmer's markets behind you
You've gotta work
Gotta haunt till it hurts
Through the night
And give those guys the fright of their lives
Yeah yeah!
Let's start with things that you hate
ADAM: Well, hate's a very strong word
BARBARA: Perhaps when people are late
ADAM: Or getting pooped on by birds?
BETELGEUSE: No, what fills you with rage?
BARBARA: Being mean to a pet
ADAM: Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette
BARBARA: Over-glutinous food (BETELGEUSE: Right. )
ADAM: Or when kids call me "dude" (BETELGEUSE: Sure. )
BARBARA: Oh, I find that so rude!
BETELGEUSE: Well, there's lots there to use
Take a deep breath
And give me your best primal scream
BARBARA: Haaah!
ADAM, spoken: Barbara, that was brilliant!
BARBARA, spoken: Really?
BETELGEUSE: Try it again
Maybe this time pretend like you mean it
BARBARA: Aaauuhh!
ADAM, spoken: That was even better! (BARBARA: Thanks!)
BETELGEUSE: I want freedom
But to get my freedom, I need them
To get a living person to say my name
ADAM & BARBARA: Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse?
BETELGEUSE: I know that beggars can't be choosers
But do they have to be such losers?
Both of them are deathly dull and lame
ADAM & BARBARA & CHOIR: Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse
BETELGEUSE: Why God-slash-Satan, did you send these bed wetters?
Even, like, a tax attorney would've been better
Somebody with gravitas, somebody to fear who—
ADAM: Excuse me, Mr. Betelgeuse
We can kind of hear you
BETELGEUSE, spoken: Yeah?
Well that was a soliloquy, so you're the one who's being rude.
(sung)Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy
BARBARA: Turn all the lights on
ADAM: Dress like a baby
BETELGEUSE, spoken: Adam, I don't even...no.
(sung)Get your heads in the game
ADAM & BARBARA: Let's hide their phones!
BETELGEUSE (ADAM & BARBARA): Screw their phones!
Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless
How will I ever survive?
Unless they get the fright of their lives
(Yes yes, we're feelin' it, they're gonna feel it, we're killin' it! )
They gotta get the fright of their lives
(We're scary, very very scary!)
They'll never get the fright of their lives
(Yeah!)
Ugh