[00:04.351]BETELGEUSE: Okay
[00:05.654]Listen up, I'm not gonna lie
[00:08.728]Right now, you couldn't frighten a fly
[00:11.885]Or scare a seagull off of a fry
[00:15.310]You ever stop to ask yourselves "why?"
[00:18.990]Both of you are super polite
[00:22.409]Middle class, suburban, and white
[00:25.303]Well, all of that is finished tonight
[00:28.437]Except for the white part, obviously
[00:31.057]Take your places
[00:32.975]I want scary faces
[00:34.244]Now go!
[00:35.021]Bigger
[00:35.283]Further
[00:35.792]Harder
[00:37.072]Not bad
[00:37.602]Sever a head
[00:39.155]Preferably someone you know
[00:40.996]BARBARA, spoken: Look at me, I'm so scary.
[00:44.359]BETELGEUSE: Don't be so vanilla
[00:45.684]Would a little anger kill ya?
[00:47.243]C'mon, drop your panties
[00:49.062]I'm trying to fill ya
[00:50.633]With wisdom and skill
[00:51.937]And the instinct to kill
[00:53.511]ADAM, spoken: Again, we do not want to kill anyone!
[00:55.870]BETELGEUSE, spoken: Fine!
[00:56.635]But somehow, someway, you gotta make 'em see ya.
[00:59.515]I'm talkin' jump-scares, the jerky Japanese ghost-walk. Plus—
[01:03.202]Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!
[01:06.080]ADAM, spoken: Now THAT is cool! I wanna do that!
[01:09.633]BETELGEUSE: Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy
[01:13.710]Raising the stakes by punching a baby
[01:16.817]Scare 'em awake till they break
[01:18.653]They'll be quaking in fright
[01:23.099]'Cause you've got some evil deep down inside you
[01:26.742]Put all the farmer's markets behind you
[01:30.139]You've gotta work
[01:31.189]Gotta haunt till it hurts
[01:32.757]Through the night
[01:34.840]And give those guys the fright of their lives
[01:39.545]Yeah yeah!
[01:43.930]Let's start with things that you hate
[01:45.499]ADAM: Well, hate's a very strong word
[01:47.060]BARBARA: Perhaps when people are late
[01:48.563]ADAM: Or getting pooped on by birds?
[01:50.392]BETELGEUSE: No, what fills you with rage?
[01:51.964]BARBARA: Being mean to a pet
[01:53.798]ADAM: Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette
[01:57.184]BARBARA: Over-glutinous food (BETELGEUSE: Right. )
[01:59.033]ADAM: Or when kids call me "dude" (BETELGEUSE: Sure. )
[02:00.561]BARBARA: Oh, I find that so rude!
[02:02.668]BETELGEUSE: Well, there's lots there to use
[02:03.688]Take a deep breath
[02:04.717]And give me your best primal scream
[02:07.065]BARBARA: Haaah!
[02:08.631]ADAM, spoken: Barbara, that was brilliant!
[02:09.672]BARBARA, spoken: Really?
[02:10.187]BETELGEUSE: Try it again
[02:11.216]Maybe this time pretend like you mean it
[02:13.853]BARBARA: Aaauuhh!
[02:15.422]ADAM, spoken: That was even better! (BARBARA: Thanks!)
[02:16.693]BETELGEUSE: I want freedom
[02:19.038]But to get my freedom, I need them
[02:22.932]To get a living person to say my name
[02:26.850]ADAM & BARBARA: Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse?
[02:29.201]BETELGEUSE: I know that beggars can't be choosers
[02:32.327]But do they have to be such losers?
[02:35.731]Both of them are deathly dull and lame
[02:40.188]ADAM & BARBARA & CHOIR: Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse
[02:43.331]BETELGEUSE: Why God-slash-Satan, did you send these bed wetters?
[02:46.753]Even, like, a tax attorney would've been better
[02:50.153]Somebody with gravitas, somebody to fear who—
[02:52.938]ADAM: Excuse me, Mr. Betelgeuse
[02:54.742]We can kind of hear you
[02:56.565]BETELGEUSE, spoken: Yeah?
[02:57.524]Well that was a soliloquy, so you're the one who's being rude.
[03:01.203](sung)Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy
[03:05.407]BARBARA: Turn all the lights on
[03:06.700]ADAM: Dress like a baby
[03:08.783]BETELGEUSE, spoken: Adam, I don't even...no.
[03:10.340](sung)Get your heads in the game
[03:13.985]ADAM & BARBARA: Let's hide their phones!
[03:15.024]BETELGEUSE (ADAM & BARBARA): Screw their phones!
[03:15.992]Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless
[03:18.598]How will I ever survive?
[03:25.113]Unless they get the fright of their lives
[03:27.474](Yes yes, we're feelin' it, they're gonna feel it, we're killin' it! )
[03:32.171]They gotta get the fright of their lives
[03:36.009](We're scary, very very scary!)
[03:38.618]They'll never get the fright of their lives
[03:40.969](Yeah!)
[03:41.746]Ugh