ADAM: Look at this crib
In all of its glorious antiquary
Every curve and surface speaks to me
Saying pamper and spoil me
Sand me and oil me
Come on
I know to the untrained eye it's boring
But nothing's a chore when you're restoring
Apart from frustration, pain, and financial drain
It's fun!
Folks say, "Adam...
Why do you polish your crib
When you don't have a kid?
And even if you did have a kid
This crib is too precious for placing a baby inside it
So it simply exists to remind you
Your sense of perfection is just a reflection
That you are not mentally prepared
To make room for a kid, Adam
Why don't you live, Adam?
Just make a start"
Are you willing to take the next step?
Ready, set-
Ready, set-
BARBARA, spoken: Look at these jugs!
(sung) Amazingly glazed and terracotta-ery
I took some clay and made you pottery
The world will never wreck you
I'll protect you in a mother's embrace
Folks say, "Barbara...
Why can't you see that ceramics
Is simply a manifestation of motherly panic
By making a baby that's breakable
Aren't you creating a way of translating the terror
Of making maternal mistakes into clay
Hiding away
So you don't have to face being a bad mom, Barbara
That's what you've done, Barbara
Just make a start"
Are you willing to take the next step?
Ready, set-
BOTH: Here we stand
At the end of a 10-year plan
A house
A yard
A minivan
A baby should be next
Together let's leap off the cliff
Fall forever, then smash to bits
Trapped in a terrifying viper pit
Of diapers and regret
Are we willing to take the next step?
ADAM: Ready, set-
BARBARA: Ready, set-
ADAM: Not yet
BARBARA: Not yet
ADAM: Why rush?
BARBARA: Why rush?
BOTH: Soon enough, our hopes and our dreams will be crushed
BARBARA: But not yet!
ADAM: But not yet!
BARBARA: Not now
ADAM: Not now
Ooohh?
No!
See? We can't start a family in a house with creaky floorboards!
BARBARA: You are absolutely right
Let's add it to the list
With the cracks in the plaster
ADAM: The wi-fi should be faster
BARBARA: This sofa needs a castor
ADAM: The bathroom's a disaster!
BARBARA: What about global poverty?
ADAM: What about world peace?
BARBARA: Then there's the whole darn economy
ADAM: The whole Middle East
BARBARA: We should learn Mandarin
ADAM: Yeah! Or Spanish at least
BOTH: No habla español
Dos cervezas, por favor
And that's all we got
And that's not a lot
Do we want a bilingual household or not?
So let's go slow
No breaking a sweat
What's the point of having children
If we're drowning in debt?
BARBARA: Now we're totally
ADAM: Completely
BARBARA: Maybe eighty percent
ADAM: I'd say seventy-eight
BOTH (BEETLEJUICE): Ready to take
The next step (Yeah! Yeah! Yeah Yeah!)
The next step (Zooby dooby dooby, dooby dop dop bow!)
The next step (Zweeby, beeby, boo-bah-bah-dee!)
The next step
Ready, set let's—
BEETLEJUICE: See I wasn't kidding
It's a show about death!