Ho ho ho! 
Play it Grandpa. 
(Yeah, play it!) 
Let's tell them a little story 
about what happened this Christmas. 
(Yeah, tell them!) 
Christmas Eve 
I didn't get much sleep 
I kept hearing things 
heavy breathing from the chimney... 
who could it be? 
(I'll tell you what it was...) 
(What happened then, Ben?) 
(Yeah, what happened?) 
Well, I went back to sleep... 
(You went back to sleep?!) 
(Shit!) 
Tired man, went back to sleep. 
and in the morning 
I couldn't believe my eyes 
a whale of a corpse with a long, white beard 
was dangling over the fire 
(ha ha ha!) 
oh, Santa, he's a big, fat **** 
went down the chimney, got his fat ass stuck 
oh, honey call the lawyers fast, 
'cause Mrs. Claus is gonna sue my ass 
hey, hey, hey! 
(hey!) 
Okay Grandpa, step up. 
Sing in this thing right here. 
Tell them what you saw, 
tell them what you saw, Grandpa! 
I gotta tell you folks 
he wasn't wearing no clothes 
(No clothes?!) 
he must have rubbed a whole gallon of Crisco 
from his back, down to his toes 
while I was talking to the cops outside, 
the dog was lickin' Crisco off of his thighs 
they hauled him away in a double-wide 
what a sad, sad way to die 
Santa, he's a big, fat **** 
went down the chimney, got his fat ass 
oh, honey call the lawyers fast, 
Mrs. Claus is gonna sue our ass